Sorry not sorry

Across my social media feeds, posted and shared by multiple friends, I recently saw the following challenge:

Stop saying sorry.

Sometimes apologizing is a necessary and helpful thing for a relationship. But have you ever noticed how often the people around you say sorry? And have you ever really thought about the things they are saying sorry for?

I find that especially women are quick to apologize, even for things that do not require an apology, for things that are not their fault and for things that are central to who they are.

I was listening to a podcast recently during which the guest got pretty emotional. I found myself waiting for him to apologize. A woman would have surely felt the need to say things like, "Sorry I'm upset," "Sorry, I was really trying not to cry!" "Sorry for being so emotional," or, simply, between tears and sniffles, "Sorry," "Sorry," "Sorry."

But this man never apologized, and it made me wonder why I expected him to. He had nothing to be sorry for. He was talking about an emotional topic that made him cry, why should he feel or say sorry for crying?

So I started paying more attention to all the apologizing I feel the need to do and taking note of all the times someone else apologizes to me. I started noticing how seldom men apologize. When a male coworker is late to a meeting, I have many times seen him just come in and expect the meeting to start, sometimes without even acknowledging his tardiness at all! Many women in the same situation would have apologized profusely and come ready with a reason why they were justifiably tardy. When he goes home sick for the day, he never apologizes for leaving anything. He sticks to the facts: he is sick, and is going home. Why have so many of my female coworkers apologized for taking a sick day? They did not have control over getting sick, many times it was not their fault but rather just something that happened. Why should anyone apologize for getting sick? I've heard so many women freaking apologizing for apologizing, for goodness' sake!

Sorry comes from shame. When said unnecessarily, it is most of the time communicating some version of, "I feel I was not enough in this moment, and I feel bad about that/wish I could have been enough," or, "I am a burden to you, and want you to know I feel the weight of that."

I think a productive way to combat shame is to stop saying, and stop being, sorry.

It is a difficult line to draw between being polite and being overly apologetic for things you shouldn't be carrying the weight of feeling sorry for in the first place. The post I saw encouraging us all to apologize less recommended something equally polite that can replace an apology in many situations but brings much more positivity to the table:

Say thank you.

"Sorry I'm late," turns into, "Thanks for waiting."
"Sorry for the confusion," can be, "Thanks for your patience."
"Sorry I have to cancel." "Thanks for understanding."
"Sorry to burden you with this." "Thanks for your help."
"Sorry to bother you." "Thanks for your time."

When I picture someone walking into a room late and apologizing, I picture them bringing a rain cloud with them. At first It's just over their head, but eventually it rains on everyone. On the other hand, someone thanking everyone for waiting is like coming into a room with fresh flowers, and handing one to each person. You can bring your sorry, your negativity, your shame, your fear of unworthiness, your feelings of falling short. Or you can bring gratitude, acceptance, love and positivity. You can make others feel further annoyed with whatever you are saying sorry for, or you can make them feel like patient, understanding, helpful heroes. You can hang your head, or you can let your self-love shine through your smile and overflow to others.

I feel so sad now when someone apologizes. Stop taking the stance of a burden, and maybe you will stop feeling like one! Shake the shame out of your soul and be okay with you. Don't judge yourself so harshly. Be free from sorriness!

The best kind of people admit and apologize for their mistakes. But that's very different than constantly apologizing for who you are. Accept yourself, own your actions, and stop always apologizing.

I'm not sorry that I'm not sorry :)

Things that have recently been making my life especially good

Air for Free, Relient K
Relient K has been one of my all-time favorite bands since the peak of my Christian pop-punk phase in the early 2000s. I love their catchy and creative lyrics mixed with the wide array of instruments they play and their unique melodic alt-rock style. Their Apple Music “About” section points out their mix of “snotty attitude with spiritual concerns.” Yes, I love me a snotty attitude. Air for Free is just my kind of music, so I was so excited last year when I checked in on an old fave and found something brand new and wonderful they had recorded. Enjoy the light-as-air feeling of this album, and let it take your soul to the sunshine-y meadow featured on the cover. The guys also recorded a Valentine’s EP, which I found equally delightful. I supposed while I’m at it I should go ahead and recommend every Relient K album and EP ever.

Apple Music
Speaking of music, I am loving getting the most out of my $10 monthly subscription to Apple Music. Music I add from the vast Apple Music library lives in the same spot my iTunes music always has, so my tunes are all together in one place. I can add songs from Apple Music to playlists I’ve had since forever, make new ones or browse other user-created playlists. I can read about an artist right in the app, see suggestions for similar artists and sing along to song lyrics shown right in the player. I can queue music and easily adjust play order. I can create a station based on an artist, song or album, or visit the Radio section for neat stations like Sound System, which attempts to play “tomorrow’s hits”. I’ve only begun to explore the Radio section of the app; there are so many great live and streaming stations. Every Friday, Apple Music creates a new playlist for me based on my listening and feedback full of music I might (and usually do) like. It also gives me album and artist recommendations that are regularly updated. Just like Spotify and others, I can choose to download certain music to play without needing to use data or wifi. I’m jammin all the time to whatever music floats my boat at that particular moment, and loving it!

I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore
Do you like to watch really weird stuff that makes you go, “What the hell is happening?!” Then I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore may be just the movie for you. Cringe at Elijah Wood with a rattail (need I say more?) as you journey with two south of normal people trying to figure out life, love, justice, goodness and the meaning of it all. Warning: less gory than Tarantino, but still kinda. Find on Netflix.

Google Keep
I make lists on lists on lists. I love writing stuff down and checking it off. But on more than one occasion, I’ve made a rockin grocery list only to leave it at home when I head to the store. Google Keep is like a glorified sticky note app that syncs with all my devices, so my lists are wherever I go. It lets me color-code and categorize lists as well as decide whether I want checkboxes, collaborators and reminders. You can also send a note to a doc in Google Docs. I use it for everything: grocery lists, watch lists, random notes, blog ideas, quotes, budgeting, reminders, to do lists and more. Bonus: Google Keep is available as an iPhone widget, so my top notes are a quick swipe right on my home and lock screens.

The Sweet Home
I am recommending you these things because I believe once someone has found a good thing they should save the rest of us the research by gushing about said good thing. The Sweet Home and their gadget geek counterpart, The Wirecutter, are THE BEST websites for finding all the best things. The Sweet Home was originally recommended to me by friends with awesome taste, so the wonderful rec cycle continues. I have gotten towels, measuring cups, a car radio, a water bottle and a thermos based on recommendations from The Sweet Home and am overjoyed with each product. They lay out their review process and weigh the pros and cons against highlighted features of each item. In addition to their best pick, they usually also offer a budget version and a splurge version and explain what you’re giving up for savings or getting for a few extra bones. Before I buy almost anything now, I find the best on The Sweet Home.

Crashing
Pete Holmes is a weird and annoying yet lovable ex-Christian turned super spiritual Comedian with a new show on HBO that feels MADE for me. I have long enjoyed Pete’s podcast and have been long awaiting his show’s debut. Pete’s upbringing in and then falling out with American evangelical Christianity has put him in a super similar cultural box as me. He is filled with youth group memories and Christian pop culture from the 90s and 00s. (Crashing’s first episode featured a Jars of Clay song.) He is also filled with questions and wonder about the world and all its mysteries and has deconstructed much of his faith in order to rebuild and redeem it. Watching Pete’s caricature of himself back at the beginning of a turning point in his marriage, career, faith and life makes me nostalgic and thankful for my own journey. Like his podcast, Crashing celebrates my weirdness, encourages my wonder, affirms my journey and questions and takes my joy level to 11. It also makes me laugh often and out loud.

Speechless
Another show that has kept me laughing and smiling is ABC’s new comedy Speechless, an endearing look into a quirky family trying to make the most of their day to day life. If Minnie Driver doesn’t make you smile, I’m not sure you’re human. Watch on ABC, abc.go.com or Hulu.

Kodiak Protein Pancakes
The cherry on top of last weekend was a Sunday morning breakfast made by my roommate. She made us protein pancakes from the huge box of Kodiak mix she just bought from Costco. (She also gets extra roommate points for adding me to her Costco membership. I’m finally in da clerb, y’all!) I am a notorious overeater and, as a strict carbatarian, tend to be hungry again almost immediately after finishing a meal. However, just two small pancakes kept me full for most of the day. They also tasted like normal pancakes, unlike other weird versions of food that try to make your favorites healthier.

My legs get tired as the hill gets steeper. I'm not sure if I can make it to the top. I want to stop, but I keep walking. I am out of breath. Finally, the incline levels out, and I am at the top of the hill. I look around at the beautiful view. This is why I kept walking, for this vantage point. But I am not done. The trail goes down the other side of this hill and up another, then down that hill and up yet another. When I finish this hike, I will have summited three large hills. I will be sweaty and stinky at the end, tired of walking and glad to be back at the car where I can sit again for the ride home. There, I'll be glad to get my boots off, and I'll likely take a nap. My legs will be sore for the next couple days, but I will be better for wear for having hiked.

I spent a long time hating hiking. So much effort just to see another waterfall or canyon, or just to walk in a giant circle through some trees or rocks or whatever. My knees especially dislike hiking and often ache while walking downhill almost too much to continue. I felt like I spent every hike with tired legs on the way up and hurting knees on the way down.

One of my favorite places for a stroll in Tucson is Sabino Canyon Recreational Area. They have made nature more manageable with a paved road for walking and shuttles up to the viewpoints. Even their side trails with slightly more gravel, inclines and actual nature are mild hiking.

I much prefer to walk through the heart of a city. The diversity and creativity is endless, and there are always unique treasures to find in all the nooks, crannies and alleyways. The sidewalk and often level ground are also nice. But I have learned to appreciate a good hike, one that hurts my legs and makes me out of breath and takes longer than I want. One that zigzags and changes altitudes and challenges me to keep going after making me almost feel like there's no way I can.

A few years ago, I woke up unbearably early and took a miserably cold train to the small town of Aguas Calientes, Peru. As the sun came up I walked through the quiet town for about an hour to the base of Machu Picchu, where I had been promised a seat on a bus to the top. A man and woman who between them knew maybe ten words in English met us there. Through confused and broken conversation, we learned that we did not have tickets for the bus. To get to the top, we would have to hike.

So I spent the next two hours walking up over 3,000 stone steps, the equivalent of about a hundred flights of stairs. At some points, I could take just a few stairs at the time between rests. As slowly as I went, though, I kept walking.

Finally at the top, I thought I could stop for a while. But a guide met us at the top to walk us around the ruins. We had to keep going. For another hour, when the last thing I wanted to do ever again was take another step, we walked and walked and walked some more around the top of this mountain. Everything in me wanted to stop, but the view and the stories were nothing like I had ever seen or heard before. So I kept going.

Before the hike back down, some of my fellow travelers and I, no exaggeration, took an hour-long nap on a picnic table. I briefly considered, like the ancient Incan spirits, making the top of this mountain my home in order to avoid walking anymore. But eventually it was time for our inevitable descent, and we walked back down the same 3,000 stairs we had just walked up.

I think we have this expectation that life is supposed to be a flat walk on a paved road in the sunshine, like many pleasant Saturday mornings I have spent at Sabino Canyon. But that's a boring life. There are days for clear skies and easy strolls, but you will never walk a flat, paved road and end up at the top of Machu Picchu. Machu Picchu level shit can only be found after things like a dreadfully early morning on a miserably cold train, after receiving unfortunate news that the trip will not go as expected. Sure, some people take the bus. But for me, Machu Picchu's summit could only be reached by climbing a hundred flights of mountain stairs. I have had to trek brutal trails to get to beautiful things.

The beginning of 2013, I found myself at the base of a different kind of mountain. I was low and didn't want to look up much less climb. Someone told me the walk would not go as expected. For weeks, even months, I sat at the base of this mountain. I could have sat there forever. But one day, I decided to start walking. I hiked up this mountain and explored. I enjoyed the view. I saw new things. I hurt and got tired, but I was stronger for having climbed and could see things from a new perspective.

Again, in the fall of last year, I was in a valley at the base of a similar mountain I didn't want to climb. This emotional valley was lower in elevation than the one before, and the mountain I faced was much steeper. But this time I didn't stay at the bottom for long. Though I didn't want to hike, I had hope for the beautiful view I may see at the top. So I walked, even when I could only take a few steps between resting. I kept going.

And here I am, near the summit of another mountain. The view is amazing, like nothing I have ever seen before. And the walk was brutal, but I'm better for it.

Life is not meant to be a flat, paved road or an easy, gradual ascent. And whoever is selling a quick ride straight to the top is usually cheating you. I have found life to be more like an up and down, zig-zaggy hike in giant circles that seem to lead to nothing in particular. You've heard the cliché that life is about the journey more than the destination. I say life is only about the journey and is without destination.

So I'm enjoying this view, but I know in time the terrain will change again. I have stopped expecting everyday to be sunny. I have stopped longing for every walk to be on level ground. I have stopped traveling with a destination in mind. I have accepted that I will not someday arrive at the top of a mountain and be able to stay at the top forever. I rest when I need to and don't start walking again until I'm ready. I have learned to appreciate the climbs, both up and down, and find beauty in the valleys. I have found purpose in the pain and fatigue. I have felt like giving up and am so tired of walking, but I am stronger every day I keep going. I have come across fellow travelers with stories of their ups and downs and all the things they have seen and learned along the way. I have felt without hope in dark valleys only to see the sun rise again over the next ridge. I have stood at the base of mountains and cried in despair, but I have summited those same mountains.

Hell yes, I have summited many mountains, and I will keep walking.

Saturday Shout Out: Thanks for the effort slash thanks for letting us be equals

For many years I've wanted to teach a seminar to men about how a little effort goes a long way, especially with women. So many guys I've known have not seemed to understand how big a difference a few small things can make.

It seems like you have taken such a seminar. 

When you picked me up for our first date, you brought a thoughtful gift. You opened my car door every time we got in and held the door of the restaurant for me on the way in and out. You planned our evening ahead of time, took me to a nice restaurant you thought I would like and paid for our meal. 

In the days following, you texted me sparingly as to not overwhelm me but to let me know you're thinking about me. 

You had a plan again for our second date. Simple but fun and creative. You paid again. 

I'm not sure how you feel about traditional gender roles, but after my insisting to pay for our next date you're letting me reverse almost all of them. I'm picking you up. I've chosen a nice restaurant I hope you'll like, to which I will drive us and at which I will pay the bill.

In being the one to plan our date, there have been a lot more things to think about. They are things I could have forgotten, but I truly believe the relational messages behind these small acts are important and powerful. "You are worthy of my thoughts, time and effort." That's really what we want to hear from the people around us, sometimes with words but mostly through actions.

The most work I put into our date was cleaning out my car. In everyday life, I use my car like a giant purse. My recent move made it worse, and there was a variety of miscellaneous items from my old house and for my new house. I cleared everything out, vacuumed the carpet and wiped down the dash. (You'll have to deal with the stains in the upholstery. I've driven - and eaten in - this car for over ten years.)

Partly I hope my clean car impresses you. I hope you think I'm always this clean. I hope you think it took me no effort whatsoever to make my car clean for you for our date. But I also don't mind if you don't believe that for a second and smile a little thinking I cleaned my car specifically for you.

Thank you for the little ways you have shown me I am worthy of someone's thoughts, time and effort. Thank you for being a gentleman and treating me with genuine respect. Thank you for taking time to plan things for me and for putting forethought and effort into our time together.

Thanks also for letting me have a turn. It's nice to remember that effort takes effort but that it's worth it. I could have just shown up at your house with a messy car and without a plan. But I want to think about the things. I want my actions to show others that they matter. I hope you feel valuable and extra thought of. I am enjoying the way you make me feel taken care of without making me feel patronized. You have found a delightful balance between chivalry and equality.

Thanks for all the effort, slash thanks for letting us be equals.

Carry on Dancing

I met up with a friend yesterday. We drove through the same rush-hour traffic to meet. His experience was filled with frustration, swearing and aggressive driving. Mine was a dance party.

I waited at one traffic light for five light cycles. Normally, this would drive me insane. But I found a good song on the radio and jammed the whole time. My breaks were a bass drum pedal. I didn't hold back. I'm sure other people could see me dancing and were possibly laughing at me. I was stuck at a red light, but I was going to town.

My friend arrived agitated, in a bad mood. I showed up with a smile on my face, overflowing with joy.

We sat in the same traffic, but I danced.

Most people I think are waiting, as Vivian Greene says, for the storm to pass. They don't realize they have the choice to dance in the rain. You can't control your circumstance, but, though easier said than done, you can change your attitude amidst your circumstance.

I'm not saying you should overlook your feelings, stuff negativity or try to cover it up with empty optimism. I'm not telling you to just be happy. Apparently life is not about being happy all the time, since really shitty things happen pretty regularly.

I am saying don't let yourself default to annoyance or frustration. Wake up to the joy and wonder deeply embedded everywhere in your life. When you're mad because Tucson drivers are THE ABSOLUTE WORST, remember that you have a car and places to go. You're alive today, and joy is waiting for you. Choose it. Dance. Enjoy the (slower than you want it to be) ride.

I know you don't always feel like dancing. Me neither. But sometimes feelings follow actions. Deal with what you're feeling, actually feel it, face it, process it. But then dance a little.

I was a panicky mess the night of the 2016 election. Though I had hoped, prayed and voted against it, it looked like Donald Trump was going to be our next president. I wanted to throw up. Instead, I took a deep breath, got off Twitter, put some music on and danced with my two-year-old niece.

I was walking through months of heartache after a recent breakup, and no bone in my body felt like dancing. The pain was too much for just about anything more than doing my best to continue to exist. I was ignoring my friends, I was angry, I was tired, I was lonely, I was hurting. I felt like I didn't have much in my life to look forward to. But one morning, after much of the pain had been processed and much of the destruction had settled, I woke up in a new house with my new roommate feeling like something good was on the horizon again. I put on some music and danced around the house.

At the end of a long day at work, I put on my "Get it Girl" playlist and jam all the way home.

I dance stuff out, Grey's Anatomy style.

I dance in the shower. I dance while getting ready. I dance while cooking dinner. I dance in da clerb. I dance in the car. I love to dance.

But my heart dances, too, even when my body is still. I will my heart to dance. I don't ignore pain and sadness, push it to the wayside or shove it down deep, tucked away in my soul. I don't preach empty positivity. But I have an earned optimism. I have learned that on the darkest days, in the worst times, I am still okay. Love and joy do not disappear in the darkness. I believe love is in the DNA of reality, so there is always something to hope in and be thankful for.

What is keeping you from dancing?

Dance in traffic. Dance around the living room. Dance in the storms of your life.

Dance like you don't care what you look like. Dance like you know what you're doing. Dance however you want.

Dance for the sake of dancing. Dance to stay alive. Dance to really live.

Don't be bored. Don't be annoyed. Don't forget the beauty that is inherent in your life, no matter what.

Don't forget what a wonder it is that you even exist.

Don't wait for your circumstances to be better or ideal. Don't postpone your happiness. Don't rob yourself of the joy you could be soaking in right this very moment.

Dance.

Dance, and the joy will come.

Dance because you and your situation are "not only meaningful but sacred, on fire with the same force that lit the stars — compassion, love, the sub-surface unity of all things" (David Foster Wallace).

Saturday Shout Out: Thanks for stepping in

I was in a terrible state of mind, so I can't remember if I thanked you. I hope I did at the time, but I'm sure I didn't thank you enough for your kindness and generosity exactly when it was needed.

Some of my fondest memories all throughout my life include your family. I am glad for the rich history of friendship and fun our families have experienced together. But it is easy to be friends in fun. The friends that matter most are the ones that come alongside for the hard times in the right ways. Not many do this well.

You saw me in need and interjected yourselves into my pain with care and compassion. What you mostly gave was your presence. You didn't offer me the adages everyone else had in plenty. You didn't offer me advice or really even condolences. You sat with me. You let me cry with you. You let me be not alone, even if that just meant me running errands with you or watching a movie on your couch while you did Saturday morning chores. You fed me so I could have one less thing to worry about.  You discussed big ideas with me so I could stop focusing on the hurting. You laughed with me so I could remember joy. You offered yourselves, you let me ask for what I needed and you provided.

I saw many others seem to have a difficult and uncomfortable time being around me during my troubles. Many don't know what to say or do, so they stay away or they say and do hurtful things on accident. You made it so simple and comfortable, though. With you I didn't feel like the elephant in the room. I'm glad you weren't afraid of my pain, so much so that you took some of it on for me. You didn't shy away, you didn't try to help me stay positive. I'm thankful you just let me exist, and you made yourselves available for me to exist next to.

I needed my people, but many of my people live far away. Even my parents were gone on a long, faraway trip. I don't know how that week of intense heartbreak would have looked had you not reached out, but I know that your friendship and support offered much comfort and helped me process and move through my grief.

People do many crazy things when pain happens. They are afraid, so they avoid it or try to wish it away with positivity and prayer. But there is an unofficial secret society of resilient warriors who know that the wisest and bravest people walk through the fire of pain until they come out the other side a more refined version of themselves. So the people I needed in pain were not people to tell me that it was going to be okay or to pray for me or to try and help me figure out why everything went so wrong. It was not the people who could offer advice about how to best get out of the pain or how to avoid pain in the future. My life was ablaze, and I was feeling the burn. I needed people to walk through the fire with me, to be next to me when it got too much, to tell me that I was going through a hard thing and that I have a right to hurt, but that I was a strong, resilient warrior walking through the fire. I needed people not afraid to walk too close to my fire for fear of getting burned themselves but who with courage would  risk their own pain and discomfort to help shield me from some of my own. I needed people to remind me that love looks like simple actions of kindness. I felt alone deep in my soul, so being alone physically was too much to bear. I needed people to sit, eat, cry, laugh, rest and be with. I needed people like you to offer their company and expect little of me besides bearing my circumstance. I needed people to not ask of me but to accept me as is, whatever little I was able to give. Thank you for being a couple of those people.

Thank you for being available. Thank you for providing meals for me. Thank you for stimulating conversation. Thank you for your passion for life. Thank you for inviting me in with my troubles so I didn't have to bear them alone. Thank you for letting me lay on your couch and cry while watching Goodwill Hunting alone ☺ Thank you for manipulating the system at Eegee's so I could have watermelon in September ☺☺ Thank you for going back to the roots of love and simply being kind to and accepting of others. Thank you for not being afraid. Thank you for letting me say things I needed to say and be silent when there was nothing to say. Thank you for expecting nothing of me and offering me what I needed. Thank you for being friends. Thank you for stepping in.

Saturday Shout Out: Thanks for moving in

When I found myself in a season without much to look forward to, you gave me something to be excited about.

It's a month since we moved in together, which is crazy because our place feels so much like home it seems like we've been there much longer. How did it become home, like, immediately? It's the perfect place for me to live right now, and I'm glad to share it with you.

I love the space. I love our stuff. I love our kitchen and our patios. I love the location.

But most I love the joy we've each brought to this home, the joy that lives there and the friendship we've built that continues to grow.

We have a happy home away from all the things we were running from. You have a quiet and consistent safe place to be free and alone and yourself. I have a happy space where I'm not alone to learn and grow and keep walking forward. I hope you feel lighter when you wake up there each day and when you come home each night like I do.

I know it's only been a month, but I am glad you're so easy to live with. Thank you for being patient with our different styles and okay with all the random stuff I've thrown in our extra bedroom or just left out. Thanks for doing the dishes, taking out the trash, getting the mail and, above all, being honest and open with me.

Last month we were both home on a Saturday morning, so I put music on and danced around while you did productive things on the floor. I'm so thankful for a friendship where we can each be ourselves and accept the other as is.

Today, we'll host our first party.

I'm excited to continue to use our house as a safe place where we can cultivate love, joy, grace and personal growth. I'm excited to continue inviting others into our home to share the love. I think it's a really healthy place for each of us and something that came together at just the right time.

I'm so glad to live with you. Happy one month of being roommates. Thanks for moving in.