Unabridged

Brain dump, go.

I recently read an article about being more productive. One suggestion was to write To-Don't lists instead of To-Do lists. The idea was to identify tempting time-sucks that keep you from what really needs to be done.

TV is so obviously my primary productivity roadblock, as it was for the woman who wrote this To-Don't article. (I wish I could reference it, but it's long gone by now. Skimming articles and social media posts is my secondary productivity blocker.)

She recommended something that worked for her: don't turn the TV on until you've been home at least 90 minutes. TV was a default activity she detoured by delaying it.

Today I walked into my house, and my strong TV-watching muscle memory listed for me all the new episodes I have on dock. (The Deuce and a whole new season of Mindreader, in case you're interested.)

No, the usually less assertive part of my brain said adamantly. (I got Starbucks this morning, which never fails to hyperdrive my focus, creativity, positivity, responsibility… generally every desirable trait I could hope to have is more possible with caffeine… sociability, optimism, productivity, I could go on. I'm a much better human after delicious Starbucks sugar drank.)

No, my prefrontal cortex said again as I literally stood frozen in my living room on my way to grab the remote and sink into the couch in one glorious motion. Let's do better shit for 90 minutes; there will be plenty of time for TV after. (You'll notice my prefrontal cortex uses semi-colons. Obviously.)

With the help of aforementioned happy human drug, the rest of my brain and body said, THAT'S AN AWESOME IDEA, and to work I went.

I made great headway on my To-Do list and, as Article Lady probably also experienced, after 90 minutes I realized I was fine without the TV and kept working on the shit I needsta get DONE.

That is, until a few minutes ago when I got distracted looking for an old file on my external hard-drive and instead stumbled upon every picture I've ever taken in the last ten years.

Brain dump part two, go.

I was especially distracted by pictures of me when I was apparently SUPER DUPER HELLA skinny, though I would never have said so at the time. I opened all these fine ass pictures of me wishing my body still looked like that, zooming in in straight up awe that I had a thigh gap before a thigh gap was ultimate societal beauty goals, kicking myself hard for not appreciating that body when I had it, contemplating how small, unnoticeable, gradual changes over time can really make a big difference and sighing for the fact that I may always look back and wish I was more grateful for what I had when I had it.

I also had an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia for times gone by and friends I've loved. Nostalgia is one of the especially weird feelings because it's happy and sad at the same time. There's such a sense of joy dancing with such a sense of grief. You're grateful for what was while you're grasping at something you can never hold again. I will undoubtedly feel that later for this time in my life, too.

I wish we could travel to memories. I would love to spend a day in that downstairs room off the kitchen I lived in when I first moved away from home. It was never meant to be a bedroom, and it only cost me $150 a month to rent. I lived with amazing women, some of the best friends I've had. We laughed and sang and danced and cried and studied and procrastinated and lived together, for good and bad. We hated each other at times while we were all under the same roof, but looking back I loved it. I could also spend a week back in the summer after college when I moved back in with my parents. I wouldn't mind sitting in on some of my old high school and college classes. I would visit special holidays, loving meals and late night parties for a pick-me-up on sadder days. I would take travel buddies with me for quick trips to laugh at old outfits and embarrassing moments and poor choices of boyfriends. Like I have favorite places, I would frequent my favorite years and moments. I could take in the feelings and environments again and again, making up for times I didn't fully soak in the goodness or life or fullness of a given experience.

Connecting thought, go.

It's so easy to fill the minutes and days and weeks with meaningless shit and ungratefulness and drudgery. Things you don't appreciate now you will likely miss later. Make choices with intention and meaning. Fight for your moments. Be fully here because you can never go back.

Can you tell I'm over-caffienated? Kthxbai.