"What do you think about this for my dating app profile?" I text Julia.
Seeking fellow blob of inconsequential cosmic dust with whom to collect as many joyful and meaningful experiences as possible for the brief and beautiful time we're floating around space on this tiny blue speck. Care to discuss over drinks the insane fact that we even exist or more normal things like the current TV show you're binge-watching in order to avoid The Uncomfortable Truth that one day relatively soon you and everyone you love will die?
"I can't tell if you're serious," Julia replies.
"Serious," I send. "But reading it again maybe I could tone down the existential despair just a tad."
Seeking fellow blob of cosmic dust with whom to collect as many fun and meaningful experiences as possible for the brief and beautiful time we're here. Care to discuss over drinks the absurdity of our existence or more normal things like the current TV show you're binge-watching?
"I guess the people who'd relate to it are the type you're searching for," Julia responds honestly and with the resigned support that can only come from someone who loves me as much as she does despite regularly thinking I've lost it.
I spend every free moment for about four days pondering and redrafting my blurb, a process which includes but is not limited to:
- Creating a "Dating" section in OneNote to compile personality assessments and comprehensive lists of who I am, what I like and dislike, and qualities I'm looking for in a romantic partner and relationship
- Looking up the definitions of words like admiration, pathological and enthusiasm to make sure my word choice is as accurate as possible
- Sifting through my quote book for well-phrased wisdom about life, love and interpersonal connection
- Counting the number of items I list in a sentence because it's often said series of odd-numbered things are more pleasing
- Literally Googling, "how to be funny"
I consider using, 404: Profile Not Found. A perfectly endearing and representative description of this person could not be found due to overthinking, crippling perfectionism and a devastatingly low character count.
I try listing some personal attributes and hobbies—too vague. A line of emojis? Too basic. Short and cryptic, not me.
How about showing I know myself well and can be upfront about shortcomings? That way he'll know what he's getting into. You've been warned, sir!
Pros: supportive, reliable, creative, observant, loyal. Can find beauty, meaning and harmony even in mundanity and hardship. Cons: oversensitive, self-critical, long-winded, oversharer, procrastinator, obsessive, particular, insomniac, carbaholic, lazy, worrier. Loved Star Wars episodes I–III and thinks no other Star Wars movies are worth watching.
Or here's an approach I call Emote So Hard Motherfuckers Wanna Swipe Me! (Vigorous leftward swipes, that is—might as well weed out the intimacy-averse as immediately as possible.)
I want to share all of my life with someone, from everyday mundanity to adventuring around the world. Seeking a committed partnership of equals in which we can both be completely ourselves, will aim to love and understand each other well, and ridiculously admire, support and encourage one another toward our best selves. Swipe right if you're unafraid of conflict, practice vulnerability and feel you have realistic expectations about long-term relationships.
But maybe there's a way I can attempt to convey my many complex and seemingly contradictory dimensions?
I'm good at mingling at the party but really love finding a deep, intense or interesting conversation with 1–2 people camped out on a comfy, quiet corner of the couch. Equally enjoy staying in to binge TV all day and hitting up a crowded bar for dancing or karaoke all night. Happy camper, happier city-dweller. Homebody and world traveler. Deep thinker who sometimes takes things too seriously but loves to be silly and have fun. Sensitive and analytical. Creative and methodical. Organized and flexible. To dichotomous choices I like to say, "Why not both?"
Ugh, I contain too many fucking multitudes for 300 characters.
I haven't even started interacting with actual people yet. I have no idea what the "correct" approach is here except that there probably isn't one. I'll never be able to write the perfectly representative profile. I wasn't meant to fit into these text boxes.
Too bad I can't just link to this blog post. Is there a dating app that allows users to submit a 1000-word personal essay? That's where my people would be.
Here's what I ended up with for now:
Here's what I ended up with for now:
Happiness is how strong the wifi signal still is from my hammock out on the porch. Social introvert, pathological optimist, experience collector. Into TV, enthusiasm, lengthy conversational podcasts, walking around a new city, efficiency, well-curated playlists, cocktails, live music, making lists. ISFJ
