Progress?

I started the year with a list of eight goals/habits I wanted to work into my life by the end of the year. According to the timeline I set (work on one goal for six weeks at a time), I should have four to five habits down by now.  

I don't.  

I can't even say I've solidly incorporated one of these habits into my daily life.  

But I've made progress and learned a few things.  

1. Goals are hard.
   Building new habits is hard. Living intentionally is hard. And tiring. It's easy to do what feels nice in the moment. It's easy to float down the lazy river drifting further from the person you actually want to be. It's hard to stand up, turn around and fight the current of comfort. Sleeping in is easy, but working hard for what you really want long term is, well, hard.  

It sounds like I'm being negative or complaining, but I actually think it helps to anticipate the difficulty of the big picture things you want to accomplish in life. If you think working towards your goals will be as easy as setting them, you'll end up disappointed and discouraged. But if you know they'll be hard, you'll bite down ready to fight for the things you want.  

2. Life gets in the way.
   When I wrote out eight goals for the year, I was a single person without a lot going on. I didn't have much planned for the year.  

But I should have anticipated that life would happen. Emotions would happen. Things would come up. On my way to eat better and work out more, I'd find someone who wants to make me homemade pasta and take me out to eat. I'd get invited for drinks by friends I love spending time with. I'd plan vacations and get invited to weddings. I'd also get discouraged and hit lows in my journey where I'd pendulum back to old habits.   Had I anticipated life to getting in the way of my goals, I might have been more flexible and able to get back on track after navigating the obstacles.  

3. Grace is the most important thing.   There are all kinds of things I want for myself. I'm pretty ambitious, and I'm a perfectionist. So naturally I get real down on myself when I look at my list of goals and feel behind.  

I have to reframe, though, because I'm not behind at all.   First, I have to remember that I'm a human with time and energy constraints. I was apparently not meant to be perfect. My failure is inevitable. Knowing that, I can either sulk in shame when failure comes or I can anticipate it and use it. Failure makes better those who let it. I can get back up, learn something and commend myself for not letting failure keep me from trying or continuing.  

Second, I have to be kind to myself. I've been talking about this a lot lately because it has made all kinds of difference for me. I cheer myself on and celebrate even the smallest victories.   Third, I have to let myself off the hook every once in awhile. If I push too hard too fast, I'll burn out. I let myself take it easy sometimes. 

Here's an example of how I've worked this in and shown grace to myself in the last 24 hours. I am trying to get to the gym three to five times each week. On rough weeks, three times is more than enough. ("Good job, girl. You pushed through." Even if I don't make it three times, "No worries, try again next week.") When I feel like it, though, I push myself for five workouts. ("Get it, girl. Rockin' this.")   I got home later in the evening Monday night and didn't feel like the workout I promised myself I would do, so I took small steps. "Just put on workout clothes. If you don't feel like going to the gym, you don't have to." But within moments I was thinking, "Well, I'm ready now, I might as well go to the gym." Let baby steps be enough. After working out, I lost track of time and didn't get to bed in time to wake up early the next morning. Instead of forcing it and making myself miserable, I took a needed rest day. "No worries," I told myself. "Get it tomorrow." Wednesday morning it was tempting to skip the gym again, but I encouraged myself to go for it, even if just for a little bit. After work on Wednesday, I even felt like going back for another workout. "Don't push too hard," I warned myself, and did chores around the house instead. After this morning's workout, I weighed and measured myself to track my progress. It's only been about a week since I've been regularly at this, so it was helpful not to expect too much progress. However, my weight had gone up. Not the most encouraging. So in my tracking book I wrote myself a note, "Don't be discouraged. You're building habits and muscle. Keep at it."   I don't need to whip myself into shape, and I've seen how poorly it works to shame myself into better habits. Giving myself some leeway actually propels me forward and keeps me going. Those eight goals? I believe I'll get to them all eventually because they're important to me. But I won't make any progress if I just sit in shame and discouragement. I'll make progress by turning failure into fuel. I'll get there by helping myself along, not by talking myself down. I'll be more the person I want to be when I love myself well.  

4. I needed a better reason.
   I have heard Susan David, Ph.D., speak on multiple podcasts recently. Yesterday, I heard her on The Good Project, and she helped something click for me. She talked about your why. If the reason you're doing something is based on external pressure, you won't make it. You need internal motivation, a powerful reason just for you.
   She told the story of a man who had been trying forever to lose weight because he felt he should. He wanted to better fit society's expectation of how he should look, he wanted his friends and family to stop worrying about him and mentioning it, he wanted his doctor to report positive news at his checkups instead of grave warnings. Then one day his son made a comment that he knew his dad wouldn't be around when he's a teenager because of how unhealthy he was. That hit him hard, and suddenly his motivation became very internal. He wanted to have more energy for his son, be a better example, be healthy enough to be around for a long, long time. That's when his habits actually started to change.
   
   Once you find the right why, results are just a byproduct. You're fighting for a reason so important to you, the number on the scale doesn't mean as much.
   So I thought about why I want to work out, why I want to eat better, why I want to lose weight. The superficial reasons I've been working for haven't been motivating enough for me. I'll never get there if I'm doing it for a boy or society or for smaller pants. I decided at the center of it all is wanting to feel in control. Like most of us, many of my choices are compulsive. I want to feel in control of my choices rather than letting my emotions dictate my actions. I want to feel like I'm making important, intentional choices that are good for me rather than bending to comfort or laziness or whatever I feel like in the moment. It's my new mantra against laziness and cravings. "I am in control." I know the results will come, but that's not what's important to me anymore.  

5. I actually like it.
   I never believed that fit folks enjoyed eating healthy or working out. "It feels weird not to go to the gym now," "I actually really like vegetables," "I’m so sore, but like, in a good way," they would say.  

"Bull shit," I would say.  

But I already enjoy the soreness in my muscles from a good workout. Maybe it's just because I'm currently on an upswing, but I like making a good decision and feeling good about it. Saying no to dessert makes me feel empowered.  

I think I will feel weird now if I skip the gym for too many days in a row. I will feel bad, but not like I used to. I won't feel shame, I'll just know I have to get back to it because it's important to me.  

And even though it's hard at first, I like working for the things that are important to me.  

#nofilter

This is my current profile picture on Facebook.

Here is it without a filter.

I am not wearing makeup. My niece doesn't care. To her, I'm equally fun with and without it. I would be surprised if she noticed a difference.

I left hanging out with my niece a little early that day to get ready for a date. My roommate saw me before and after and told me I "did a 180" after running a straightener through my hair and putting some foundation and eyeliner on.

I doubt my date would have minded my lack of makeup, and I could have spent those precious extra minutes with my niece instead of leaving early.

I have always been jealous of men who can be ready for any occasion in five to ten minutes, fifteen if they need to shave. I have seen some friends after relocating to cruncytowns like Seattle and Denver wear less or no makeup, comfortably fitting with the culture there. After a recent trip to Denver, I was lured in by the lax style. Women with clean faces wearing hiking boots looked happy and free.

Neglecting to pack my makeup for a quick weekend trip forced me to test out this trend.I went out on a Friday evening to multiple bars and restaurants without my hair done or makeup on.

And you know what I thought every time I caught my reflection?

Wow.

I look good.

I even took a selfie and sent it to a boy I like. His response: "So perttyyy."

Conclusion: we don't need this shit! I recently read an article about three women who didn’t wear makeup for a week. One woman's longterm boyfriend didn't even notice. No one's coworkers could tell a difference, even when they were given hints or were flat out told they weren't wearing makeup.

The vice president of my organization wears khakis and a polo shirt to work everyday. Who ever told me I can't do that too?

Newsflash: we can!

Caitlin Moran recently decided she's not fucking with dresses and heels at fancy events anymore. The men, she noticed, get to have so much more fun and are so much more comfortable and relaxed than their female counterparts who, throughout the entire event, are at least partially distracted by the pain from their heals and other nonsense like their spanx riding up and having to hold their clutch the whole time. Now she wears a suit and flats, just like the men. I love her primary rule of equality (paraphrased): if the men don't worry about this, then neither should we.

I look good when I get dressed up. I spend upwards of an hour getting ready. I enjoy it. And at the end, I reap my spoils by looking in the mirror, saying, "Damn, girl!" and taking a selfie or 17 to immortalize the moment.

But it's more fun when I rush out the door, decide makeup is not worth my time today and in a quick mirror-glance surprise myself for just looking effortlessly beautiful.

'Nother newsflash: we are all effortlessly beautiful.

No matter what anyone has ever said to you or the deep, secret insults you have said to yourself or any time you ever thought you didn't match up. You are beautiful as is. When was the last time you told yourself this? When was the last time you looked in the mirror and listed the good things you saw? When was the last time you caught your own glance in a reflective surface and appreciated what you saw instead of criticizing? Do you every wink at yourself? Smile at yourself? How many selfies have you taken, just for yourself, because ya look poppin' and the light's hitting just right?

Can you tell I take a lot of selfies?

I have told myself countless times how ugly and fat I am, even if it's just in the form of a scoff at my reflection. But why should I scoff? No. Now, I smirk. Let's be real: my first thought while looking in a mirror isn't always "Woah, get it lady. You lookin' mighty fine." I immediately notice every hair out of place, every pimple, every stomach and back roll and that it's already time to fix up my eyebrows again. (How those buggers grow so fast?)

But on the days I'm a visual mess, that's me too. Messy hair, no makeup, second day without a shower me is SO me. Real. Organic. So I smirk. I don't roll my eyes at my reflection or sigh with disgust, frustration and hate. I laugh at the expectation that I should look any certain way any amount of the time. I take selfies then, too.

I tell myself, "Whatever, girl, ya got better things to do than fix your hair right now."

"Don't worry bout it. You're cute just the same,"
"People get pimples. Whevs."
"There's nothing you need to do to be beautiful or enough right now besides existing."
"Flawless is boring."
"You're working that messy, post-workout look."
"I can see your inside pretty through your eyes."
"Yeah I look tired, cuz I've been killing it hard."

I loved on the show Girls how the rawness of each character was not only accepted but celebrated. Each with their own personal style, strengths, flaws and body types. All beautiful. I am far from the first to say we need more examples of real women being real and raw and organic and fewer examples of fictional photoshopped perfection.

That's why I follow the #bodyposi movement on Instagram. I need women in my life who publically declare that all bodies are beach- and bikini-ready. I need women who don't let their jiggling keep them from dancing and don't let their arms keep them from going sleeveless and don't let anyone else feed them any expectations about how they should look or who they should be.

I think we all need these women, and we all need to be these women.

And let's be this for each other. Talking to a coworker about this subject the other day, she said the week she went without mascarra, she'd never gotten so many comments about looking tired. Never tell someone they look tired! Let's stop having expectations for each other, let's stop comparing and competing. Let's start celebrating each other for exactly who we are.

Some women love putting on makeup, and to them I say, "Get it! Lookin' good! Do you!" Sometimes I like it too. It's not about makeup or not, or skinny or not. It's about not doing things because of bogus cultural expectations. It's about definitely not feeling like you fall short when you don't look photoshopped every second of every day. It's about rejecting society's definitions of beautiful and sexy, convincing yourself until you actually believe you are the true meaning of beautiful and sexy and celebrating the real, raw you.

I love Glennon Doyle Melton's definition of sexy: "I think sexy is a grown-up word to describe a person who's confident that she is already exactly who she was made to be. A sexy woman knows herself and she likes the way she looks, thinks and feels. She doesn't try to change to match anybody else. She's a good friend to herself – kind and patient. And she knows how to use her words to tell people she trusts about what's going on inside of her – her fears and anger, love, dreams, mistakes and needs. When she's angry, she expresses her self in healthy ways. When she's joyful she does the same thing. She doesn't hide her true self because she's not ashamed. She knows she's just human – exactly how God made her and that's good enough. She's brave enough to be honest and kind enough to accept others when they're honest. When two people are sexy enough to be brave and kind with each other, that's love. Sexy is more about how you feel than how you look. Real sexy is letting your true self come out of hiding and find love is safe places."

And her definition of beautiful: "Beautiful means 'full of beauty.' Beautiful is not about how you look on the outside. Beautiful is about what you're made of. Beautiful people spend time discovering what their idea of beauty on this earth is. They know themselves well enough to know what they love, and they love themselves enough to fill up with a little of their particular kind of beauty each day . . . Women who are concerned with being pretty think about what they look like, but women who are concerned with being beautiful think about what they are looking at. They are taking it all in. They are taking in the whole beautiful world and making all that beauty theirs to give away to others."

What is your definition of sexy? Beautiful? Enough? Do you tell yourself you are those things? Because you are.

So be your biggest chearleader. Flood yourself with kindness. Treat your body like a friend. Drown out the voices that say you need to slim down or cover up or buy [insert unnecessary beauty product here].

Accept yourself.
Celebrate who you are.
DO. YOU.

1-3-5

 You ever make a to do list and feel crushed under the weight of it? Or think of all you need to do and have no idea where to start?

I'm a little obsessed with lists (to the point that Google Keep is my hero but not quite to the extent that I can maintain a bullet journal).

Making a list is the easy, fun part, though. The tough part is figuring out how to actually get some of it done.

I have had a couple larger projects on my plate at work recently that have been on my list for months.  They don't have deadlines; on my team we call them downtime projects. Our downtime list is sort of like a wishlist of things we really want done and would help us out immensely, but they are just not urgent enough to be a priority. As soon as we have any open time to tackle them, we are expected to. Thanks to some preparation I did for the year back in December, I have been well caught up on all my daily, more urgent or regualr projects and deadlines all year. I have had the time to get these projects done but haven't been able to prioritize them or felt motivated to do them. I just rewrite these tasks on each of my weekly to do lists and sigh.

Then I learned about the 1-3-5 list.

I was previously organizing my work to do lists somewhat arbitrarily, trying to put the more urgent things at the top. This left me overwhelmed each morning as I would sit down at my desk and look at a page-long list of things to get done. Not to mention that I would never complete a list, since tasks were added more quickly than crossed off. It felt never-ending and impossible. At the very bottom of my list were those big, un-fun tasks I had been long avoiding. I had little hope I would ever get them done.

To make a 1-3-5 list, you think of your tasks in degrees of how difficult they will be to complete, how much time they will take and how much drive you have to do them. Tasks are separated into three categories: easy, medium and hard.

For example, my "hard" list is full of tasks that are complex, will take a long time or that I simply am not excited to do. My "easy" list has things that will probably take me less than an hour and very little effort. Before I leave the office each day, I pick one hard task to tackle the next morning. I also pick three medium tasks and five easies.

Then in the morning, I work on my hard project until around lunchtime. I may not finish it, but I give it a good go. I ignore the rest of the items on my list until the afternoon. At that time, I either victoriously cross my hard task off my list or I put it away for the day. When I return in the afternoon, I take care of my medium then easy tasks. If I still have time left at the end of the day, I look back at my master list and do some more easy-medium stuff, depending on how I'm feeling. Some days, if the morning went well, I even feel like returning to my hard task to make some more progress on it. Then before I leave I choose my tasks for the next day, rinse and repeat.

Now, my daily 1-3-5 list feels much more manageable. I am able to cross off most, sometimes all, of the items each day. 1-3-5 helps me set myself up to start the day with a big win and coast to five o'clock from there. My mornings are more focused and productive, and my afternoons go by more quickly. I have made significant progress on those projects I never thought I'd get to. Actually, once I actually dive in, I have found that my "hard" projects are really not as difficult as my procrastination had inflated them to be, and I have finished many of them in just one day. I feel a renewed sense of motivation and optimism about my daily tasks and have been much more productive.

So far I've only done this at work, but I think it would have the same effect on my personal responsibilities and goals. Here’s how to get started.

1. Create a long ass list of everything you need to do. Like, all the things.
     
2. Rewrite your list, this time listing the most difficult or dreaded tasks first, then the tasks that will be kind of hard and take some time and last the breezy things that will take you almost no time or effort.
3. Does anything seem off balance to you? You should have a smaller amount of difficult tasks and increasing amounts of medium and easy tasks.
   
   See if you can break up any of your more difficult stuff in to smaller steps. Be specific and list each "subtask" on your easy or medium list instead.
   
   For example, instead of "Clean house" on your hard list, you could add "declutter master closet" as a medium task and "vacuum upstairs carpet", "clean shower", "dust livingroom furniture", etc. On your easy list.
4. Then make a list for your day, weekend or week, by choosing from your master list one hard task to devote effort to. You'll try to make a good amount of progress on this task first before moving on to any other tasks. Also choose three medium and five easy tasks to complete after you've done some good work on that first one.
5. Bonus: now each time you complete a task, you get to cross it off twice. Once off your daily/weekly list and once off your master list. Go you!  

You don't have to beautify your lists, but I like to, and it adds even more fun and motivation. Here are some of my 1-3-5 master and daily lists. I make a new master list whenever one is really crossed off, I want a fresh look at things, I have a lot to add and have run out of room, or whenever I feel like it. This happens about once a week. I like making a daily list at work, but for a personal 1-3-5 list would probably only make one master task list every couple of weeks to a month and then a 1-3-5 list from those tasks each weekend.

After a While

by Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn’t mean leaning
and company doesn’t always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn…

The Bass Line

I don't stand out, and I like it that way

I am soft
I am low
I am subtle

But I rumble

I set the pace
I move the beat
I make a difference

I am consistent but not always what you would expect

I am full
I am thick
I am anchored

But I am flexible

Put whatever you want over me, I will adjust

I can jazz
I can rock
I can samba

I can pop
I can punk
I can hip-hop

I can be simple and complex

I fit into spaces
And meld to the music
I hide between the notes and the rhythm

I am grooving
To the beat of someone else's drum
To the tune of someone else's melody

I am not a song by myself

But I am a wave
A force
A reckoning

Listen for me, you'll like what you hear

Single me out
My solos are sick and smooth
And my tone is rich

But I'd rather disappear

I hold up the song
Like beams between the walls
Strong and safe and out of sight

I sound good

Even when you can't hear me