Sorry not sorry

Across my social media feeds, posted and shared by multiple friends, I recently saw the following challenge:

Stop saying sorry.

Sometimes apologizing is a necessary and helpful thing for a relationship. But have you ever noticed how often the people around you say sorry? And have you ever really thought about the things they are saying sorry for?

I find that especially women are quick to apologize, even for things that do not require an apology, for things that are not their fault and for things that are central to who they are.

I was listening to a podcast recently during which the guest got pretty emotional. I found myself waiting for him to apologize. A woman would have surely felt the need to say things like, "Sorry I'm upset," "Sorry, I was really trying not to cry!" "Sorry for being so emotional," or, simply, between tears and sniffles, "Sorry," "Sorry," "Sorry."

But this man never apologized, and it made me wonder why I expected him to. He had nothing to be sorry for. He was talking about an emotional topic that made him cry, why should he feel or say sorry for crying?

So I started paying more attention to all the apologizing I feel the need to do and taking note of all the times someone else apologizes to me. I started noticing how seldom men apologize. When a male coworker is late to a meeting, I have many times seen him just come in and expect the meeting to start, sometimes without even acknowledging his tardiness at all! Many women in the same situation would have apologized profusely and come ready with a reason why they were justifiably tardy. When he goes home sick for the day, he never apologizes for leaving anything. He sticks to the facts: he is sick, and is going home. Why have so many of my female coworkers apologized for taking a sick day? They did not have control over getting sick, many times it was not their fault but rather just something that happened. Why should anyone apologize for getting sick? I've heard so many women freaking apologizing for apologizing, for goodness' sake!

Sorry comes from shame. When said unnecessarily, it is most of the time communicating some version of, "I feel I was not enough in this moment, and I feel bad about that/wish I could have been enough," or, "I am a burden to you, and want you to know I feel the weight of that."

I think a productive way to combat shame is to stop saying, and stop being, sorry.

It is a difficult line to draw between being polite and being overly apologetic for things you shouldn't be carrying the weight of feeling sorry for in the first place. The post I saw encouraging us all to apologize less recommended something equally polite that can replace an apology in many situations but brings much more positivity to the table:

Say thank you.

"Sorry I'm late," turns into, "Thanks for waiting."
"Sorry for the confusion," can be, "Thanks for your patience."
"Sorry I have to cancel." "Thanks for understanding."
"Sorry to burden you with this." "Thanks for your help."
"Sorry to bother you." "Thanks for your time."

When I picture someone walking into a room late and apologizing, I picture them bringing a rain cloud with them. At first It's just over their head, but eventually it rains on everyone. On the other hand, someone thanking everyone for waiting is like coming into a room with fresh flowers, and handing one to each person. You can bring your sorry, your negativity, your shame, your fear of unworthiness, your feelings of falling short. Or you can bring gratitude, acceptance, love and positivity. You can make others feel further annoyed with whatever you are saying sorry for, or you can make them feel like patient, understanding, helpful heroes. You can hang your head, or you can let your self-love shine through your smile and overflow to others.

I feel so sad now when someone apologizes. Stop taking the stance of a burden, and maybe you will stop feeling like one! Shake the shame out of your soul and be okay with you. Don't judge yourself so harshly. Be free from sorriness!

The best kind of people admit and apologize for their mistakes. But that's very different than constantly apologizing for who you are. Accept yourself, own your actions, and stop always apologizing.

I'm not sorry that I'm not sorry :)

Things that have recently been making my life especially good

Air for Free, Relient K
Relient K has been one of my all-time favorite bands since the peak of my Christian pop-punk phase in the early 2000s. I love their catchy and creative lyrics mixed with the wide array of instruments they play and their unique melodic alt-rock style. Their Apple Music “About” section points out their mix of “snotty attitude with spiritual concerns.” Yes, I love me a snotty attitude. Air for Free is just my kind of music, so I was so excited last year when I checked in on an old fave and found something brand new and wonderful they had recorded. Enjoy the light-as-air feeling of this album, and let it take your soul to the sunshine-y meadow featured on the cover. The guys also recorded a Valentine’s EP, which I found equally delightful. I supposed while I’m at it I should go ahead and recommend every Relient K album and EP ever.

Apple Music
Speaking of music, I am loving getting the most out of my $10 monthly subscription to Apple Music. Music I add from the vast Apple Music library lives in the same spot my iTunes music always has, so my tunes are all together in one place. I can add songs from Apple Music to playlists I’ve had since forever, make new ones or browse other user-created playlists. I can read about an artist right in the app, see suggestions for similar artists and sing along to song lyrics shown right in the player. I can queue music and easily adjust play order. I can create a station based on an artist, song or album, or visit the Radio section for neat stations like Sound System, which attempts to play “tomorrow’s hits”. I’ve only begun to explore the Radio section of the app; there are so many great live and streaming stations. Every Friday, Apple Music creates a new playlist for me based on my listening and feedback full of music I might (and usually do) like. It also gives me album and artist recommendations that are regularly updated. Just like Spotify and others, I can choose to download certain music to play without needing to use data or wifi. I’m jammin all the time to whatever music floats my boat at that particular moment, and loving it!

I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore
Do you like to watch really weird stuff that makes you go, “What the hell is happening?!” Then I Don’t Feel at Home in this World Anymore may be just the movie for you. Cringe at Elijah Wood with a rattail (need I say more?) as you journey with two south of normal people trying to figure out life, love, justice, goodness and the meaning of it all. Warning: less gory than Tarantino, but still kinda. Find on Netflix.

Google Keep
I make lists on lists on lists. I love writing stuff down and checking it off. But on more than one occasion, I’ve made a rockin grocery list only to leave it at home when I head to the store. Google Keep is like a glorified sticky note app that syncs with all my devices, so my lists are wherever I go. It lets me color-code and categorize lists as well as decide whether I want checkboxes, collaborators and reminders. You can also send a note to a doc in Google Docs. I use it for everything: grocery lists, watch lists, random notes, blog ideas, quotes, budgeting, reminders, to do lists and more. Bonus: Google Keep is available as an iPhone widget, so my top notes are a quick swipe right on my home and lock screens.

The Sweet Home
I am recommending you these things because I believe once someone has found a good thing they should save the rest of us the research by gushing about said good thing. The Sweet Home and their gadget geek counterpart, The Wirecutter, are THE BEST websites for finding all the best things. The Sweet Home was originally recommended to me by friends with awesome taste, so the wonderful rec cycle continues. I have gotten towels, measuring cups, a car radio, a water bottle and a thermos based on recommendations from The Sweet Home and am overjoyed with each product. They lay out their review process and weigh the pros and cons against highlighted features of each item. In addition to their best pick, they usually also offer a budget version and a splurge version and explain what you’re giving up for savings or getting for a few extra bones. Before I buy almost anything now, I find the best on The Sweet Home.

Crashing
Pete Holmes is a weird and annoying yet lovable ex-Christian turned super spiritual Comedian with a new show on HBO that feels MADE for me. I have long enjoyed Pete’s podcast and have been long awaiting his show’s debut. Pete’s upbringing in and then falling out with American evangelical Christianity has put him in a super similar cultural box as me. He is filled with youth group memories and Christian pop culture from the 90s and 00s. (Crashing’s first episode featured a Jars of Clay song.) He is also filled with questions and wonder about the world and all its mysteries and has deconstructed much of his faith in order to rebuild and redeem it. Watching Pete’s caricature of himself back at the beginning of a turning point in his marriage, career, faith and life makes me nostalgic and thankful for my own journey. Like his podcast, Crashing celebrates my weirdness, encourages my wonder, affirms my journey and questions and takes my joy level to 11. It also makes me laugh often and out loud.

Speechless
Another show that has kept me laughing and smiling is ABC’s new comedy Speechless, an endearing look into a quirky family trying to make the most of their day to day life. If Minnie Driver doesn’t make you smile, I’m not sure you’re human. Watch on ABC, abc.go.com or Hulu.

Kodiak Protein Pancakes
The cherry on top of last weekend was a Sunday morning breakfast made by my roommate. She made us protein pancakes from the huge box of Kodiak mix she just bought from Costco. (She also gets extra roommate points for adding me to her Costco membership. I’m finally in da clerb, y’all!) I am a notorious overeater and, as a strict carbatarian, tend to be hungry again almost immediately after finishing a meal. However, just two small pancakes kept me full for most of the day. They also tasted like normal pancakes, unlike other weird versions of food that try to make your favorites healthier.

My legs get tired as the hill gets steeper. I'm not sure if I can make it to the top. I want to stop, but I keep walking. I am out of breath. Finally, the incline levels out, and I am at the top of the hill. I look around at the beautiful view. This is why I kept walking, for this vantage point. But I am not done. The trail goes down the other side of this hill and up another, then down that hill and up yet another. When I finish this hike, I will have summited three large hills. I will be sweaty and stinky at the end, tired of walking and glad to be back at the car where I can sit again for the ride home. There, I'll be glad to get my boots off, and I'll likely take a nap. My legs will be sore for the next couple days, but I will be better for wear for having hiked.

I spent a long time hating hiking. So much effort just to see another waterfall or canyon, or just to walk in a giant circle through some trees or rocks or whatever. My knees especially dislike hiking and often ache while walking downhill almost too much to continue. I felt like I spent every hike with tired legs on the way up and hurting knees on the way down.

One of my favorite places for a stroll in Tucson is Sabino Canyon Recreational Area. They have made nature more manageable with a paved road for walking and shuttles up to the viewpoints. Even their side trails with slightly more gravel, inclines and actual nature are mild hiking.

I much prefer to walk through the heart of a city. The diversity and creativity is endless, and there are always unique treasures to find in all the nooks, crannies and alleyways. The sidewalk and often level ground are also nice. But I have learned to appreciate a good hike, one that hurts my legs and makes me out of breath and takes longer than I want. One that zigzags and changes altitudes and challenges me to keep going after making me almost feel like there's no way I can.

A few years ago, I woke up unbearably early and took a miserably cold train to the small town of Aguas Calientes, Peru. As the sun came up I walked through the quiet town for about an hour to the base of Machu Picchu, where I had been promised a seat on a bus to the top. A man and woman who between them knew maybe ten words in English met us there. Through confused and broken conversation, we learned that we did not have tickets for the bus. To get to the top, we would have to hike.

So I spent the next two hours walking up over 3,000 stone steps, the equivalent of about a hundred flights of stairs. At some points, I could take just a few stairs at the time between rests. As slowly as I went, though, I kept walking.

Finally at the top, I thought I could stop for a while. But a guide met us at the top to walk us around the ruins. We had to keep going. For another hour, when the last thing I wanted to do ever again was take another step, we walked and walked and walked some more around the top of this mountain. Everything in me wanted to stop, but the view and the stories were nothing like I had ever seen or heard before. So I kept going.

Before the hike back down, some of my fellow travelers and I, no exaggeration, took an hour-long nap on a picnic table. I briefly considered, like the ancient Incan spirits, making the top of this mountain my home in order to avoid walking anymore. But eventually it was time for our inevitable descent, and we walked back down the same 3,000 stairs we had just walked up.

I think we have this expectation that life is supposed to be a flat walk on a paved road in the sunshine, like many pleasant Saturday mornings I have spent at Sabino Canyon. But that's a boring life. There are days for clear skies and easy strolls, but you will never walk a flat, paved road and end up at the top of Machu Picchu. Machu Picchu level shit can only be found after things like a dreadfully early morning on a miserably cold train, after receiving unfortunate news that the trip will not go as expected. Sure, some people take the bus. But for me, Machu Picchu's summit could only be reached by climbing a hundred flights of mountain stairs. I have had to trek brutal trails to get to beautiful things.

The beginning of 2013, I found myself at the base of a different kind of mountain. I was low and didn't want to look up much less climb. Someone told me the walk would not go as expected. For weeks, even months, I sat at the base of this mountain. I could have sat there forever. But one day, I decided to start walking. I hiked up this mountain and explored. I enjoyed the view. I saw new things. I hurt and got tired, but I was stronger for having climbed and could see things from a new perspective.

Again, in the fall of last year, I was in a valley at the base of a similar mountain I didn't want to climb. This emotional valley was lower in elevation than the one before, and the mountain I faced was much steeper. But this time I didn't stay at the bottom for long. Though I didn't want to hike, I had hope for the beautiful view I may see at the top. So I walked, even when I could only take a few steps between resting. I kept going.

And here I am, near the summit of another mountain. The view is amazing, like nothing I have ever seen before. And the walk was brutal, but I'm better for it.

Life is not meant to be a flat, paved road or an easy, gradual ascent. And whoever is selling a quick ride straight to the top is usually cheating you. I have found life to be more like an up and down, zig-zaggy hike in giant circles that seem to lead to nothing in particular. You've heard the cliché that life is about the journey more than the destination. I say life is only about the journey and is without destination.

So I'm enjoying this view, but I know in time the terrain will change again. I have stopped expecting everyday to be sunny. I have stopped longing for every walk to be on level ground. I have stopped traveling with a destination in mind. I have accepted that I will not someday arrive at the top of a mountain and be able to stay at the top forever. I rest when I need to and don't start walking again until I'm ready. I have learned to appreciate the climbs, both up and down, and find beauty in the valleys. I have found purpose in the pain and fatigue. I have felt like giving up and am so tired of walking, but I am stronger every day I keep going. I have come across fellow travelers with stories of their ups and downs and all the things they have seen and learned along the way. I have felt without hope in dark valleys only to see the sun rise again over the next ridge. I have stood at the base of mountains and cried in despair, but I have summited those same mountains.

Hell yes, I have summited many mountains, and I will keep walking.