Sorry not sorry

Across my social media feeds, posted and shared by multiple friends, I recently saw the following challenge:

Stop saying sorry.

Sometimes apologizing is a necessary and helpful thing for a relationship. But have you ever noticed how often the people around you say sorry? And have you ever really thought about the things they are saying sorry for?

I find that especially women are quick to apologize, even for things that do not require an apology, for things that are not their fault and for things that are central to who they are.

I was listening to a podcast recently during which the guest got pretty emotional. I found myself waiting for him to apologize. A woman would have surely felt the need to say things like, "Sorry I'm upset," "Sorry, I was really trying not to cry!" "Sorry for being so emotional," or, simply, between tears and sniffles, "Sorry," "Sorry," "Sorry."

But this man never apologized, and it made me wonder why I expected him to. He had nothing to be sorry for. He was talking about an emotional topic that made him cry, why should he feel or say sorry for crying?

So I started paying more attention to all the apologizing I feel the need to do and taking note of all the times someone else apologizes to me. I started noticing how seldom men apologize. When a male coworker is late to a meeting, I have many times seen him just come in and expect the meeting to start, sometimes without even acknowledging his tardiness at all! Many women in the same situation would have apologized profusely and come ready with a reason why they were justifiably tardy. When he goes home sick for the day, he never apologizes for leaving anything. He sticks to the facts: he is sick, and is going home. Why have so many of my female coworkers apologized for taking a sick day? They did not have control over getting sick, many times it was not their fault but rather just something that happened. Why should anyone apologize for getting sick? I've heard so many women freaking apologizing for apologizing, for goodness' sake!

Sorry comes from shame. When said unnecessarily, it is most of the time communicating some version of, "I feel I was not enough in this moment, and I feel bad about that/wish I could have been enough," or, "I am a burden to you, and want you to know I feel the weight of that."

I think a productive way to combat shame is to stop saying, and stop being, sorry.

It is a difficult line to draw between being polite and being overly apologetic for things you shouldn't be carrying the weight of feeling sorry for in the first place. The post I saw encouraging us all to apologize less recommended something equally polite that can replace an apology in many situations but brings much more positivity to the table:

Say thank you.

"Sorry I'm late," turns into, "Thanks for waiting."
"Sorry for the confusion," can be, "Thanks for your patience."
"Sorry I have to cancel." "Thanks for understanding."
"Sorry to burden you with this." "Thanks for your help."
"Sorry to bother you." "Thanks for your time."

When I picture someone walking into a room late and apologizing, I picture them bringing a rain cloud with them. At first It's just over their head, but eventually it rains on everyone. On the other hand, someone thanking everyone for waiting is like coming into a room with fresh flowers, and handing one to each person. You can bring your sorry, your negativity, your shame, your fear of unworthiness, your feelings of falling short. Or you can bring gratitude, acceptance, love and positivity. You can make others feel further annoyed with whatever you are saying sorry for, or you can make them feel like patient, understanding, helpful heroes. You can hang your head, or you can let your self-love shine through your smile and overflow to others.

I feel so sad now when someone apologizes. Stop taking the stance of a burden, and maybe you will stop feeling like one! Shake the shame out of your soul and be okay with you. Don't judge yourself so harshly. Be free from sorriness!

The best kind of people admit and apologize for their mistakes. But that's very different than constantly apologizing for who you are. Accept yourself, own your actions, and stop always apologizing.

I'm not sorry that I'm not sorry :)