Sometimes I wonder how we are still friends. Other times I wonder if we should have only been friends all along. Either way, I'm glad to call you friend.
I have thought of you often over the years, wondering what your unique take on things might be, wanting to ask you but not feeling like I should.
I'm glad, after all these years, we connected again. And not just running into each other, catching up, saying hi. We really connected. We hadn't been able to be real for a while. There was a layer of relational funk still hanging around. But you came to town and, whatever changed, we could be real again. We could enjoy deep conversation and respect for each other. We could be ourselves and innocently and honestly enjoy the other person for just who they are. We could say things that may have hurt to say in the past. We could connect without fear or nervousness about what might happen, good or bad. We could just be two individuals interacting authentically.
Thanks for really listening. Thanks for asking me what I think. Thanks for challenging what I think. Thanks for picking me up late at night. Thanks for stargazing. Thanks for playing loud music and letting me exist as is. Thanks for being a safe place to let my guard down.
For months I have been longing for a conversation like we had that night. I have wanted to speak as passionately as I feel and not be questioned or rebuked but just heard. I have wanted to go back and forth with someone who could respectfully offer their own opinion, not in order to convince me of it but to have a healthy and helpful discussion of ideas. Even if you thought I was wrong on certain points, thanks for not treating me like I was wrong or laughing at my point of view.
I have hidden parts of me from many people for too long. With you under the stars, I could break out of the mold that was keeping me small. I could bear my soul. I could look out into the vastness of the night and feel limitless, part of everything, one with the world, open and set free and at peace.
The freedom of that night is not something I will soon forget. Thank you for the part you have played in my story. Thank you for setting me free under the stars. Thank you for your connection and for the ways you have perhaps unknowingly helped me connect with my true self, time and time again.
Saturday, January 28, 2017
Monday, January 9, 2017
Batch Your Life
Batching is the idea that it is more effective to group similar tasks together.
For example, we do tons of mass mailings where I work. It would take forever to complete a mailing if we completed each envelope, from folding and stuffing the contents to running the postage, one at a time. It's much faster to label all the envelopes, then stuff them all, then seal them all, etc.
Batching in the kitchen has become more popular with the concept of meal prepping. Make and package all your meals for the week on one day to save time and effort throughout the week. A couple hours to a day of preparation and you've got everything ready for the next six.
Other things you can batch:
Meal planning
I sat down one day, searched recipes and wrote out meal plans with accompanying grocery lists for six weeks. I listed out what things on the meal plan I could prep ahead of time. Now, when it's time to grocery shop and meal prep, I just pull out my list for the week, double check my pantry for things I have and head to the store.
I've found having all that work done already has left extra time and energy to check the ads for sales and coupons on what I already know I need to buy, something I would never be willing to do after all the work of making a meal plan and a list for the week, every week.
At the end of this six weeks, I plan to go back through my meal plans, make adjustments if needed and recycle back to week one. As long as I'm willing to eat a cycle of six weekly meal plans over and over, half the work of my meal each week is already done.
Portion control
A side benefit to meal prepping is that you can decide your portions ahead of time. When I meal prep, I do so on a full stomach so I'm not tempted to snack on all the stuff I'm making along the way. That also puts me in a good state of mind to make healthy decisions about my portions ahead of time. Why leave it up to hungry Katelyn to dish out a healthy serving in the moment? Healthy Katelyn's eyes are always bigger than her stomach (and acid reflex) can handle.
So after I prep my meals, I divide them up into healthier serving sizes in separate tupperware and ziplocks. When it's time to eat, it's already dished out, and I never feel the need to go back for seconds.
Picking out what to wear
Raise your hand if you've ever been late trying to figure out what to wear. I'll often try on two or three outfits I'm not happy with before settling with whatever is clean and most comfortable. Much of my jewelry and shirts go unworn for lack of creativity when I'm in a rush early in the morning. In order to get more out of my wardrobe and save time and sanity in the mornings, I started picking out my outfits in batch. After doing laundry, I'll try on new things together, arrange outfits and hang them up together in the closet. I'll even hang the necklace, scarf, watch, tights, etc. I want to wear with it all on the same hanger. (I used to go so far as to pin my earrings to my clothes, but I found that to be more effort than it was worth.) Now in the morning, I pick out a complete outfit to wear. SO much time saved and stress avoided. I also find it helps my clean laundry last longer, my outfits are more creative and I save money by avoiding shopping since I experience the "nothing to wear" feeling less often.
Your to do list
Before the new year, I got a new planner. I wrote out all the more major chores that need to be done throughout the year and how often. For example, I never remember to dust my ceiling fan blades until I lay down in bed and shudder at the layer of dust up there. Nasty. I mentally remind myself to do that ASAP (except not right now because I'm already in bed), fall asleep and forget again. So in my planner I decided which chores I would do every month and which months I would do the less frequent chores. I wrote everything down on each month's page. If remembering to do chores is half the battle, then half the battle is already won!
I did this at work also. Though we know the deadlines of our regular projects (that happen the same time of year every year), they always seem to sneak up on us. I literally wrote out a list of all the deadlines for each month and then on the same page wrote more major deadlines in upcoming months to be aware of ahead of time. Now our team is all on the same page about what to be working on and looking out for. For once at work I feel ahead of the game, since I can easily move right to the next project when one is finished. My boss recently commented how impressed she was that I turned something in a week ahead of schedule.
Cleaning
Maids don't clean houses room by room like you probably do and like I did until I learned this. Save time by cleaning your house like a maid would. First, go around your house with a laundry basket and a trash bag. Throw away any trash and put everything that needs to be put away in the laundry basket. Throw the trash bag away and set the laundry basket aside for later. Now batch the rest of your tasks. Dust all the surfaces. Vacuum the whole house. (Why I'm so excited about the cordless vacuum I got for Christmas!) Swiffer all the swiffer-able floors. Wash the windows and mirrors in all the rooms and bathrooms. You get the gist. Finish by traveling around with the laundry basket and putting your items back in their places.
Batching can seem intimidating or like a lot of work, since you're taking tasks you would spread out over days, weeks and months and doing a large chunk of the work up front. But it's an investment, that you'll notice the payoff of over time.
Benefits of batching:
Easier tasks
The main principle behind batching is that repeating similar tasks together makes the task easier. Putting a single outfit together is much easier when I'm looking at all my clothes and accessories and putting a bunch of outfits together. Vacuuming and dusting everything at once is easier than room by room once you already have the vacuum or duster out.
Mental energy
Batching means on a daily basis I spend hardly any mental energy deciding what I'm going to eat or wear. My mind is more free to focus on other things. I start the day off better when I don't have to spend any time or energy figuring out what to wear. I get off work and am free from the weight of wondering what I am going to make for dinner.
Motivation
We can't be motivated to make helpful and healthy choices for ourselves all the time. Batching prepares me for the moments that I would otherwise pour myself a heaping bowl of mac and cheese or order a pizza. I already have healthier food ready and waiting for me. At that point it's easier to stick to the plan and eat well, and ordering a pizza would just be more effort.
Win factor
I spent about four hours last Sunday grocery shopping, doing laundry, organizing my outfits (ended up being about a month's worth), and prepping some of my food for the week. The rest of my week felt like smooth sailing. I had already done a good chunk of the work for the week. Going to bed Sunday night knowing I was ahead of the game felt great, and I feel like I've been riding that wave of win all week.
The combination of having already spent the time, done the work, freed up my mental space and set myself up to win all week propelled me into bigger things I don't think I would have had the time or energy for otherwise, like getting everything ready for my upcoming move, being super focused and efficient at work and writing a couple blog posts.
Batching is especially helpful when you're high on motivation, which comes in waves. When you notice a wave of motivation, harness that energy to prep for times like after a particularly hard day or when unforeseen circumstances come up. On the rare occasions I feel motivated to do laundry, that's when I also iron clothes that need it and plan my outfits. In just a couple hours, I'll have enough outfits all ready to go for about a month, hopefully enough time for my excitement for doing my laundry to come back around.
Let's be real, though, some tasks we'll never find ourselves motivated or excited to do. I've also noticed it's helpful to intentionally set aside time to batch. I've decided at some point on Sunday I need to hit the grocery store and get my meals ready. If I don't do this, I'll set myself up to make less healthy food choices during the week. Though I don't love meal prepping, I love the way it feels throughout the week to be prepared, in control of my cravings and armed with the tools to make healthier choices. So whether I feel like it or not, I'll spend some time on Sundays shopping and prepping.
Setting aside a few hours to get things done ahead of time can save you tons of time and energy later on. Could even save you money too! Be kind to future you. Do a larger batch of work ahead of time so you can reap the benefits later.
For example, we do tons of mass mailings where I work. It would take forever to complete a mailing if we completed each envelope, from folding and stuffing the contents to running the postage, one at a time. It's much faster to label all the envelopes, then stuff them all, then seal them all, etc.
Batching in the kitchen has become more popular with the concept of meal prepping. Make and package all your meals for the week on one day to save time and effort throughout the week. A couple hours to a day of preparation and you've got everything ready for the next six.
Other things you can batch:
Meal planning
I sat down one day, searched recipes and wrote out meal plans with accompanying grocery lists for six weeks. I listed out what things on the meal plan I could prep ahead of time. Now, when it's time to grocery shop and meal prep, I just pull out my list for the week, double check my pantry for things I have and head to the store.
I've found having all that work done already has left extra time and energy to check the ads for sales and coupons on what I already know I need to buy, something I would never be willing to do after all the work of making a meal plan and a list for the week, every week.
At the end of this six weeks, I plan to go back through my meal plans, make adjustments if needed and recycle back to week one. As long as I'm willing to eat a cycle of six weekly meal plans over and over, half the work of my meal each week is already done.
Portion control
A side benefit to meal prepping is that you can decide your portions ahead of time. When I meal prep, I do so on a full stomach so I'm not tempted to snack on all the stuff I'm making along the way. That also puts me in a good state of mind to make healthy decisions about my portions ahead of time. Why leave it up to hungry Katelyn to dish out a healthy serving in the moment? Healthy Katelyn's eyes are always bigger than her stomach (and acid reflex) can handle.
So after I prep my meals, I divide them up into healthier serving sizes in separate tupperware and ziplocks. When it's time to eat, it's already dished out, and I never feel the need to go back for seconds.
Picking out what to wear
Raise your hand if you've ever been late trying to figure out what to wear. I'll often try on two or three outfits I'm not happy with before settling with whatever is clean and most comfortable. Much of my jewelry and shirts go unworn for lack of creativity when I'm in a rush early in the morning. In order to get more out of my wardrobe and save time and sanity in the mornings, I started picking out my outfits in batch. After doing laundry, I'll try on new things together, arrange outfits and hang them up together in the closet. I'll even hang the necklace, scarf, watch, tights, etc. I want to wear with it all on the same hanger. (I used to go so far as to pin my earrings to my clothes, but I found that to be more effort than it was worth.) Now in the morning, I pick out a complete outfit to wear. SO much time saved and stress avoided. I also find it helps my clean laundry last longer, my outfits are more creative and I save money by avoiding shopping since I experience the "nothing to wear" feeling less often.
Your to do list
Before the new year, I got a new planner. I wrote out all the more major chores that need to be done throughout the year and how often. For example, I never remember to dust my ceiling fan blades until I lay down in bed and shudder at the layer of dust up there. Nasty. I mentally remind myself to do that ASAP (except not right now because I'm already in bed), fall asleep and forget again. So in my planner I decided which chores I would do every month and which months I would do the less frequent chores. I wrote everything down on each month's page. If remembering to do chores is half the battle, then half the battle is already won!
I did this at work also. Though we know the deadlines of our regular projects (that happen the same time of year every year), they always seem to sneak up on us. I literally wrote out a list of all the deadlines for each month and then on the same page wrote more major deadlines in upcoming months to be aware of ahead of time. Now our team is all on the same page about what to be working on and looking out for. For once at work I feel ahead of the game, since I can easily move right to the next project when one is finished. My boss recently commented how impressed she was that I turned something in a week ahead of schedule.
Cleaning
Maids don't clean houses room by room like you probably do and like I did until I learned this. Save time by cleaning your house like a maid would. First, go around your house with a laundry basket and a trash bag. Throw away any trash and put everything that needs to be put away in the laundry basket. Throw the trash bag away and set the laundry basket aside for later. Now batch the rest of your tasks. Dust all the surfaces. Vacuum the whole house. (Why I'm so excited about the cordless vacuum I got for Christmas!) Swiffer all the swiffer-able floors. Wash the windows and mirrors in all the rooms and bathrooms. You get the gist. Finish by traveling around with the laundry basket and putting your items back in their places.
Batching can seem intimidating or like a lot of work, since you're taking tasks you would spread out over days, weeks and months and doing a large chunk of the work up front. But it's an investment, that you'll notice the payoff of over time.
Benefits of batching:
Easier tasks
The main principle behind batching is that repeating similar tasks together makes the task easier. Putting a single outfit together is much easier when I'm looking at all my clothes and accessories and putting a bunch of outfits together. Vacuuming and dusting everything at once is easier than room by room once you already have the vacuum or duster out.
Mental energy
Batching means on a daily basis I spend hardly any mental energy deciding what I'm going to eat or wear. My mind is more free to focus on other things. I start the day off better when I don't have to spend any time or energy figuring out what to wear. I get off work and am free from the weight of wondering what I am going to make for dinner.
Motivation
We can't be motivated to make helpful and healthy choices for ourselves all the time. Batching prepares me for the moments that I would otherwise pour myself a heaping bowl of mac and cheese or order a pizza. I already have healthier food ready and waiting for me. At that point it's easier to stick to the plan and eat well, and ordering a pizza would just be more effort.
Win factor
I spent about four hours last Sunday grocery shopping, doing laundry, organizing my outfits (ended up being about a month's worth), and prepping some of my food for the week. The rest of my week felt like smooth sailing. I had already done a good chunk of the work for the week. Going to bed Sunday night knowing I was ahead of the game felt great, and I feel like I've been riding that wave of win all week.
The combination of having already spent the time, done the work, freed up my mental space and set myself up to win all week propelled me into bigger things I don't think I would have had the time or energy for otherwise, like getting everything ready for my upcoming move, being super focused and efficient at work and writing a couple blog posts.
Batching is especially helpful when you're high on motivation, which comes in waves. When you notice a wave of motivation, harness that energy to prep for times like after a particularly hard day or when unforeseen circumstances come up. On the rare occasions I feel motivated to do laundry, that's when I also iron clothes that need it and plan my outfits. In just a couple hours, I'll have enough outfits all ready to go for about a month, hopefully enough time for my excitement for doing my laundry to come back around.
Let's be real, though, some tasks we'll never find ourselves motivated or excited to do. I've also noticed it's helpful to intentionally set aside time to batch. I've decided at some point on Sunday I need to hit the grocery store and get my meals ready. If I don't do this, I'll set myself up to make less healthy food choices during the week. Though I don't love meal prepping, I love the way it feels throughout the week to be prepared, in control of my cravings and armed with the tools to make healthier choices. So whether I feel like it or not, I'll spend some time on Sundays shopping and prepping.
Setting aside a few hours to get things done ahead of time can save you tons of time and energy later on. Could even save you money too! Be kind to future you. Do a larger batch of work ahead of time so you can reap the benefits later.
Sunday, January 8, 2017
I am enough today
I still hope for someday.
Someday maybe I'll meet the right guy. Someday maybe I'll love someone who will stay. Someday I hope I'll build a family on a foundation of love.
It's not someday yet. And I have to accept the possibility that someday may never come.
But today.
Today I show up. I give myself to what's in front of me. Today I do my best to fiercely love the family I have while I wait to build my own. Today I aim for courageous honesty with the people I love. Today I bear my soul and search for joy and dance in the face of adversity.
Today I am worthy of love.
So I hope someday somebody really sees me. I hope he'll say to himself, Finally. I hope he thinks I'm the real deal. I hope he won't be scared to be himself, afraid to be honest or intimidated by a strong woman who knows and gives of herself. I hope he won't run away, because he'll be the real deal too. I hope he'll stay through the hard stuff because he'll know even the most beautiful things need fertilizer and rain to grow. And we'll be two whole and healthy people doing our best to be the truest, bravest humans we can and fighting to make the world better and more full of truth and love and the real stuff. We'll upset each other and be in each other's messes and do imperfect, scary, risky, honest, real, hard life together. It will be hard, it will feel impossible at times, it will take all of us. But we'll fight for it because it will be real and beautiful. Together we'll fight for all the things that matter.
I hope for that someday.
But if someday never comes, I'll just keep fighting for love and truth and joy. I'll try to build friendships like that and continue to love my important people with the kind of love that's real and doesn't run and sits in the messes together. I'll love myself with the kind of love that doesn't shame or discourage but builds up. I'll keep voicing my insides and telling the truth, and I'll try to live with courageous honesty.
Today that's enough. Love is always enough.
Today I am enough for me.
Someday maybe I'll meet the right guy. Someday maybe I'll love someone who will stay. Someday I hope I'll build a family on a foundation of love.
It's not someday yet. And I have to accept the possibility that someday may never come.
But today.
Today I show up. I give myself to what's in front of me. Today I do my best to fiercely love the family I have while I wait to build my own. Today I aim for courageous honesty with the people I love. Today I bear my soul and search for joy and dance in the face of adversity.
Today I am worthy of love.
So I hope someday somebody really sees me. I hope he'll say to himself, Finally. I hope he thinks I'm the real deal. I hope he won't be scared to be himself, afraid to be honest or intimidated by a strong woman who knows and gives of herself. I hope he won't run away, because he'll be the real deal too. I hope he'll stay through the hard stuff because he'll know even the most beautiful things need fertilizer and rain to grow. And we'll be two whole and healthy people doing our best to be the truest, bravest humans we can and fighting to make the world better and more full of truth and love and the real stuff. We'll upset each other and be in each other's messes and do imperfect, scary, risky, honest, real, hard life together. It will be hard, it will feel impossible at times, it will take all of us. But we'll fight for it because it will be real and beautiful. Together we'll fight for all the things that matter.
I hope for that someday.
But if someday never comes, I'll just keep fighting for love and truth and joy. I'll try to build friendships like that and continue to love my important people with the kind of love that's real and doesn't run and sits in the messes together. I'll love myself with the kind of love that doesn't shame or discourage but builds up. I'll keep voicing my insides and telling the truth, and I'll try to live with courageous honesty.
Today that's enough. Love is always enough.
Today I am enough for me.
Saturday, January 7, 2017
a daily discipline of boundless grace
No, I'm not picking one word for 2017. I changed my mind. I'm picking six.
I'm on day seven of my habit-stacking experiment. I chose eight habits for the year that I want to add to my daily life from here on out by focusing on winning at one for six weeks before adding another on top of that.
My first goal is sticking to a meal plan. That entails making a plan for the week, grocery shopping for only those things, prepping what I can ahead of time and eating what was on the plan. I was hoping this would naturally help me control my portions and avoid eating out. It's done that and more, which I'll continue to write about in later posts.
I have already been surprised about what a change in my overall life a small, simple shift toward health has made. I learn this lesson over and over whenever I set and start working toward new goals. Health begets health. But after a usually short amount of time, my goal cycle sets in.
Goal setting, excitement, goal following, encouragement, misstep, discouragement, harder goal following out of guilt, getting overwhelmed, giving up, giving into my anti-goals more than before I set my goals
For example, I did my first and only full Whole 30* last October. For 30 days I ate only protein, vegetables, fruits and healthy fats while I avoided sugar and sweeteners, alcohol, legumes, dairy and grains. It was hard, but with accountability from coworkers I lasted the 30 days and lost 18 pounds. Day 31 was Halloween, and day 32 was a sugar hangover from hell. I went back to my old habits and gained back the weight I lost and more.
I have tried multiple times since then to another Whole 30 but haven't succeeded more than a week. I get excited, I make a plan, I go grocery shopping and I eat according to plan for a few days. But in a moment of weakness or after I wait too long to go grocery shopping and run out of food, I order a pizza. I feel super discouraged and get real down on myself, so I eat more. (My feelings always feel better after they're fed.) After the pizza, I don't want to go back to broccoli and stuff. Gross. I spiral into a worse nutritional place than I was before and gain weight until I get tired of the scale going up and decide to start a Whole 30. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I have been in this vicious cycle for more or less the last year and a half. Yikes.
For a lot of reasons, simply sticking to a meal plan has felt different and seems like it has the potential to me more beneficial to me over time. But the biggest difference so far has nothing to do with plans or prepping or calories or whether I can buy all my groceries at Wal-Mart or I have to go to Whole Foods to get special ranch.
I think the reason this time feels different is because I am learning about grace and trying to apply it to everything I do.
How much grace do you have for yourself?
Beating myself up about falling short of my ambitions, telling myself I might as well have pizza since I'll never be able to eat healthy or be the weight I want, cringing in the mirror, calling myself a fat fuck trying to fit into my jeans or a lazy piece of shit after spending the day on the couch, only half enjoying the piece of cake I decided to indulge in because I'm trying to quiet the other voice that's shaming me the whole time, trying to quiet the voice with another piece of cake and feeling even more ashamed, being disappointed in myself every time I put off grocery shopping...
Maybe it hasn't been my love for bread keeping me down all this time. Maybe it's my self-animosity.
I would never dream of treating or even thinking of a friend half as bad as I do myself. I feel sad and heavy writing that out.
My negative feelings toward myself and my body have been around for a long time. I don't know where they came from, but I don't think they have helped me any.
On day 1 of a hopeful, sparkly new year, I didn't have a list of resolutions making me feel bad about sitting on my couch for the good part of a Sunday. I had two small goals, two things on my to do list. Go grocery shopping. Get some food ready ahead of time for the week. I found a loophole to feel good about procrastinating even those two simple goals. I watched TV while I clipped coupons. Towards the end of the day, I went to the store and I made my food.
It felt so good to win. I was on a roll. I did some laundry and packed for my upcoming move.
I can make ambitious lists until Google Keep tells me I'm running out of characters. But then it's so much it weighs me down. So far this year, I gave myself a break. I did myself a kindness. I set two and only two goals for the day. And instead of having a list of 15 things to do, doing zero and feeling guilty, I got both things on my list done and more and felt like a winner. That winning feeling has continued to motivate and energize me.
Even on day seven, I haven't stuck perfectly to my exact meal plan. I've moved meals around and substituted things. I brought olive oil potato chips with my sandwich to work for lunch but couldn't pass up the free-for-all crunchy cheetos in the breakroom. When my parents asked me if I was staying for dinner, I stayed for the spaghetti. But I haven't failed. I count this week a win. I've adjusted and been flexible with myself. I've made better choices about my food and portions more often than I haven't. I lost a couple pounds. Most importantly, I've been kind to myself. I've not set myself up for failure. I didn't set a resolution to lose weight and tack on all these unrealistic sub-goals of working out every day and sticking to lean proteins, only to feel more and more discouraged about my weight. I simply decided for six weeks I would do my best most days to work on building and strengthening a simple habit.
But I think the thing at the heart of it that matters most finally came to me. No matter the number on the scale or the size of my pants, I can't treat myself like garbage anymore. Why would anyone take care of garbage? I'm worth treating with kindness and respect. I need to treat myself like a friend. I've found room to give myself grace.
In 2017, I'll make attempts to improve the ways I eat and spend my time and money. I hope I'll be successful and that these new habits will stick. I hope by the end of this year, by taking small steps every day, I'll be miles closer to the person I want to be. But I can't wait until the 20 lbs lighter, mentally and spiritually glowing version of me is staring back at me in the mirror to love myself. That I can start today.
So I'm not working toward a lower number on the scale or a bulky savings account this year. I'm trying to build a daily discipline of boundless grace. In my disciplines, I'll remain kind to myself. I'll let myself off the hook for mess ups and try to stop thinking I look fat. I'll value myself like I value my family and friends. I'll give myself the gift of planning ahead. Sometimes I'll love myself by not skipping dessert. Other times it'll be by asking a friend to go for a walk instead of out to dinner. I'll stop fighting with myself but will acknowledge my cravings, try to make better decisions, and let it be okay when I don't. I'll start fresh every moment if needed. I'll practice things like meal prepping and budgeting, but my life discipline will be grace and love, for myself and others.
My six words for the year: a daily discipline of boundless grace ♥
I'm on day seven of my habit-stacking experiment. I chose eight habits for the year that I want to add to my daily life from here on out by focusing on winning at one for six weeks before adding another on top of that.
My first goal is sticking to a meal plan. That entails making a plan for the week, grocery shopping for only those things, prepping what I can ahead of time and eating what was on the plan. I was hoping this would naturally help me control my portions and avoid eating out. It's done that and more, which I'll continue to write about in later posts.
I have already been surprised about what a change in my overall life a small, simple shift toward health has made. I learn this lesson over and over whenever I set and start working toward new goals. Health begets health. But after a usually short amount of time, my goal cycle sets in.
Goal setting, excitement, goal following, encouragement, misstep, discouragement, harder goal following out of guilt, getting overwhelmed, giving up, giving into my anti-goals more than before I set my goals
For example, I did my first and only full Whole 30* last October. For 30 days I ate only protein, vegetables, fruits and healthy fats while I avoided sugar and sweeteners, alcohol, legumes, dairy and grains. It was hard, but with accountability from coworkers I lasted the 30 days and lost 18 pounds. Day 31 was Halloween, and day 32 was a sugar hangover from hell. I went back to my old habits and gained back the weight I lost and more.
I have tried multiple times since then to another Whole 30 but haven't succeeded more than a week. I get excited, I make a plan, I go grocery shopping and I eat according to plan for a few days. But in a moment of weakness or after I wait too long to go grocery shopping and run out of food, I order a pizza. I feel super discouraged and get real down on myself, so I eat more. (My feelings always feel better after they're fed.) After the pizza, I don't want to go back to broccoli and stuff. Gross. I spiral into a worse nutritional place than I was before and gain weight until I get tired of the scale going up and decide to start a Whole 30. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I have been in this vicious cycle for more or less the last year and a half. Yikes.
For a lot of reasons, simply sticking to a meal plan has felt different and seems like it has the potential to me more beneficial to me over time. But the biggest difference so far has nothing to do with plans or prepping or calories or whether I can buy all my groceries at Wal-Mart or I have to go to Whole Foods to get special ranch.
I think the reason this time feels different is because I am learning about grace and trying to apply it to everything I do.
How much grace do you have for yourself?
Beating myself up about falling short of my ambitions, telling myself I might as well have pizza since I'll never be able to eat healthy or be the weight I want, cringing in the mirror, calling myself a fat fuck trying to fit into my jeans or a lazy piece of shit after spending the day on the couch, only half enjoying the piece of cake I decided to indulge in because I'm trying to quiet the other voice that's shaming me the whole time, trying to quiet the voice with another piece of cake and feeling even more ashamed, being disappointed in myself every time I put off grocery shopping...
Maybe it hasn't been my love for bread keeping me down all this time. Maybe it's my self-animosity.
I would never dream of treating or even thinking of a friend half as bad as I do myself. I feel sad and heavy writing that out.
My negative feelings toward myself and my body have been around for a long time. I don't know where they came from, but I don't think they have helped me any.
On day 1 of a hopeful, sparkly new year, I didn't have a list of resolutions making me feel bad about sitting on my couch for the good part of a Sunday. I had two small goals, two things on my to do list. Go grocery shopping. Get some food ready ahead of time for the week. I found a loophole to feel good about procrastinating even those two simple goals. I watched TV while I clipped coupons. Towards the end of the day, I went to the store and I made my food.
It felt so good to win. I was on a roll. I did some laundry and packed for my upcoming move.
I can make ambitious lists until Google Keep tells me I'm running out of characters. But then it's so much it weighs me down. So far this year, I gave myself a break. I did myself a kindness. I set two and only two goals for the day. And instead of having a list of 15 things to do, doing zero and feeling guilty, I got both things on my list done and more and felt like a winner. That winning feeling has continued to motivate and energize me.
Even on day seven, I haven't stuck perfectly to my exact meal plan. I've moved meals around and substituted things. I brought olive oil potato chips with my sandwich to work for lunch but couldn't pass up the free-for-all crunchy cheetos in the breakroom. When my parents asked me if I was staying for dinner, I stayed for the spaghetti. But I haven't failed. I count this week a win. I've adjusted and been flexible with myself. I've made better choices about my food and portions more often than I haven't. I lost a couple pounds. Most importantly, I've been kind to myself. I've not set myself up for failure. I didn't set a resolution to lose weight and tack on all these unrealistic sub-goals of working out every day and sticking to lean proteins, only to feel more and more discouraged about my weight. I simply decided for six weeks I would do my best most days to work on building and strengthening a simple habit.
But I think the thing at the heart of it that matters most finally came to me. No matter the number on the scale or the size of my pants, I can't treat myself like garbage anymore. Why would anyone take care of garbage? I'm worth treating with kindness and respect. I need to treat myself like a friend. I've found room to give myself grace.
In 2017, I'll make attempts to improve the ways I eat and spend my time and money. I hope I'll be successful and that these new habits will stick. I hope by the end of this year, by taking small steps every day, I'll be miles closer to the person I want to be. But I can't wait until the 20 lbs lighter, mentally and spiritually glowing version of me is staring back at me in the mirror to love myself. That I can start today.
So I'm not working toward a lower number on the scale or a bulky savings account this year. I'm trying to build a daily discipline of boundless grace. In my disciplines, I'll remain kind to myself. I'll let myself off the hook for mess ups and try to stop thinking I look fat. I'll value myself like I value my family and friends. I'll give myself the gift of planning ahead. Sometimes I'll love myself by not skipping dessert. Other times it'll be by asking a friend to go for a walk instead of out to dinner. I'll stop fighting with myself but will acknowledge my cravings, try to make better decisions, and let it be okay when I don't. I'll start fresh every moment if needed. I'll practice things like meal prepping and budgeting, but my life discipline will be grace and love, for myself and others.
My six words for the year: a daily discipline of boundless grace ♥
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
#oneword: Follow-through
Goals are hard. I'm a big fan of New Year's resolutions until about January 4th. I love the feeling of a blank slate, a new year, everything fresh and motivating. This year could be great! I think. But I thought that this time last year, and we all know how 2016 turned out.
You're probably familiar, too, with the discouraging statistics about resolutions. We get swept up in the potential of the new year but forget at any time it takes consistent action to see results.
It's like the time I took a trip away from home for over a week to get some mental space and do some personal homework. I made a list of goals for the week. Relaxing was one of them, but also on the list were things like update my resume, finish a book or two, write each day.
The week was relaxing, reflective and helpful, and I did end up at least working on most my goals, even completed some. But I spent the majority of my time with Netflix autoplaying hours of Grey's Anatomy. I realized my habits at home will be my habits away.
My habits now will be my habits in a new year.
Unless I take intentional action to change my habits.
So after seeing so many of my goals, new year after new year, go un-accomplished, I need a new strategy. I know my downfall is follow-through. I also know I set big goals and make ambitious plans, but that victories are more often made over time in the small, day-to-day decisions.
Follow-through.
If I made a list of resolutions for 2017, it would look something like this:
Make better financial choices: budget, pay off debt and build up savings
Make better health choices and lose weight: eat better and workout
Make time for creative outlets: set aside time everyday to write and time every to do at least one creative project, like learn to play a new song or work on my art journal
Be more mindful: meditate every morning
Give back: make plans to volunteer regularly
Even for a whole year, that is a crazy-ambitious, overwhelming list. But these are all things that are important to me and that have been on my mind to improve for a while. When I try to be good at all of these things all at once, it becomes too much and I give up.
It's easy to write lofty resolutions and list goals. It's hard in the daily grind to stick to those goals.
So in order to actually see change and progress this year, I'm going to try making my goals smaller and focusing on one at a time. I'll build small, daily habits and stack them on top of each other throughout the year. I'll give myself slack to go slow and mess up. I'll focus on the small steps to lasting health and betterment as gradual shifts in my overall lifestyle.
I'm going to pick eight simple goals to focus on for six weeks at a time. (That will leave me 28 "flex" days in the year to use as needed.) The hope is that during the six weeks I focus on a goal it will become a natural part of me, a habit, part of my life. Once I have mastered one goal, I should be able to continue it with less effort while I shift my focus to the next goal for the next six weeks. Ideally, at the end of the year, I will be practicing each of these stacked goals simultaneously with relative ease.
My Goals
- Stick to a meal plan
- Complete six creative projects in six weeks
- Do something active for at least 30 minutes each day
- Follow a budget and track my spending
- Write for at least 30 minutes each day
- Meditate for ten minutes each morning
- Volunteer six times in six weeks
- Do something active for at least 60 minutes each day
If I tried to do all these things at once, I wouldn't last a day. I have tried many times before. But each goal individually seems manageable, especially given a six-week timeline. It's exciting to visualize what the end of 2017 could look like if I build these habits one by one throughout the year. Hopefully at the end each will be a part of my regular daily life.
A disclaimer for my own benefit: I will not be perfect. If I miss a day or a week, I'll keep trying for the remainder of the six weeks. If I need an extra week or two to fully master a goal, I have extra time for that.
I'll keep you posted!
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