a daily discipline of boundless grace

No, I'm not picking one word for 2017. I changed my mind. I'm picking six.

I'm on day seven of my habit-stacking experiment. I chose eight habits for the year that I want to add to my daily life from here on out by focusing on winning at one for six weeks before adding another on top of that.

My first goal is sticking to a meal plan. That entails making a plan for the week, grocery shopping for only those things, prepping what I can ahead of time and eating what was on the plan. I was hoping this would naturally help me control my portions and avoid eating out. It's done that and more, which I'll continue to write about in later posts.

I have already been surprised about what a change in my overall life a small, simple shift toward health has made. I learn this lesson over and over whenever I set and start working toward new goals. Health begets health. But after a usually short amount of time, my goal cycle sets in.

Goal setting, excitement, goal following, encouragement, misstep, discouragement, harder goal following out of guilt, getting overwhelmed, giving up, giving into my anti-goals more than before I set my goals

For example, I did my first and only full Whole 30* last October. For 30 days I ate only protein, vegetables, fruits and healthy fats while I avoided sugar and sweeteners, alcohol, legumes, dairy and grains. It was hard, but with accountability from coworkers I lasted the 30 days and lost 18 pounds. Day 31 was Halloween, and day 32 was a sugar hangover from hell. I went back to my old habits and gained back the weight I lost and more.

I have tried multiple times since then to another Whole 30 but haven't succeeded more than a week. I get excited, I make a plan, I go grocery shopping and I eat according to plan for a few days. But in a moment of weakness or after I wait too long to go grocery shopping and run out of food, I order a pizza. I feel super discouraged and get real down on myself, so I eat more. (My feelings always feel better after they're fed.) After the pizza, I don't want to go back to broccoli and stuff. Gross. I spiral into a worse nutritional place than I was before and gain weight until I get tired of the scale going up and decide to start a Whole 30. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I have been in this vicious cycle for more or less the last year and a half. Yikes.

For a lot of reasons, simply sticking to a meal plan has felt different and seems like it has the potential to me more beneficial to me over time. But the biggest difference so far has nothing to do with plans or prepping or calories or whether I can buy all my groceries at Wal-Mart or I have to go to Whole Foods to get special ranch.

I think the reason this time feels different is because I am learning about grace and trying to apply it to everything I do.

How much grace do you have for yourself?

Beating myself up about falling short of my ambitions, telling myself I might as well have pizza since I'll never be able to eat healthy or be the weight I want, cringing in the mirror, calling myself a fat fuck trying to fit into my jeans or a lazy piece of shit after spending the day on the couch, only half enjoying the piece of cake I decided to indulge in because I'm trying to quiet the other voice that's shaming me the whole time, trying to quiet the voice with another piece of cake and feeling even more ashamed, being disappointed in myself every time I put off grocery shopping...

Maybe it hasn't been my love for bread keeping me down all this time. Maybe it's my self-animosity.

I would never dream of treating or even thinking of a friend half as bad as I do myself. I feel sad and heavy writing that out.

My negative feelings toward myself and my body have been around for a long time. I don't know where they came from, but I don't think they have helped me any.

On day 1 of a hopeful, sparkly new year, I didn't have a list of resolutions making me feel bad about sitting on my couch for the good part of a Sunday. I had two small goals, two things on my to do list. Go grocery shopping. Get some food ready ahead of time for the week. I found a loophole to feel good about procrastinating even those two simple goals. I watched TV while I clipped coupons. Towards the end of the day, I went to the store and I made my food.

It felt so good to win. I was on a roll. I did some laundry and packed for my upcoming move.

I can make ambitious lists until Google Keep tells me I'm running out of characters. But then it's so much it weighs me down. So far this year, I gave myself a break. I did myself a kindness. I set two and only two goals for the day. And instead of having a list of 15 things to do, doing zero and feeling guilty, I got both things on my list done and more and felt like a winner. That winning feeling has continued to motivate and energize me.
Even on day seven, I haven't stuck perfectly to my exact meal plan. I've moved meals around and substituted things. I brought olive oil potato chips with my sandwich to work for lunch but couldn't pass up the free-for-all crunchy cheetos  in the breakroom. When my parents asked me if I was staying for dinner, I stayed for the spaghetti. But I haven't failed. I count this week a win. I've adjusted and been flexible with myself. I've made better choices about my food and portions more often than I haven't. I lost a couple pounds. Most importantly, I've been kind to myself. I've not set myself up for failure. I didn't set a resolution to lose weight and tack on all these unrealistic sub-goals of working out every day and sticking to lean proteins, only to feel more and more discouraged about my weight. I simply decided for six weeks I would do my best most days to work on building and strengthening a simple habit.

But I think the thing at the heart of it that matters most finally came to me. No matter the number on the scale or the size of my pants, I can't treat myself like garbage anymore. Why would anyone take care of garbage? I'm worth treating with kindness and respect. I need to treat myself like a friend. I've found room to give myself grace.

In 2017, I'll make attempts to improve the ways I eat and spend my time and money. I hope I'll be successful and that these new habits will stick. I hope by the end of this year, by taking small steps every day, I'll be miles closer to the person I want to be. But I can't wait until the 20 lbs lighter, mentally and spiritually glowing version of me is staring back at me in the mirror to love myself. That I can start today.

So I'm not working toward a lower number on the scale or a bulky savings account this year. I'm trying to build a daily discipline of boundless grace. In my disciplines, I'll remain kind to myself. I'll let myself off the hook for mess ups and try to stop thinking I look fat. I'll value myself like I value my family and friends. I'll give myself the gift of planning ahead. Sometimes I'll love myself by not skipping dessert. Other times it'll be by asking a friend to go for a walk instead of out to dinner. I'll stop fighting with myself but will acknowledge my cravings, try to make better decisions, and let it be okay when I don't. I'll start fresh every moment if needed. I'll practice things like meal prepping and budgeting, but my life discipline will be grace and love, for myself and others.

My six words for the year: a daily discipline of boundless grace ♥