Adrift in my own head

I write this blog for a few reasons.

1. I need to write. Nothing gets processed inside my brain. My words need to come out, and I have a lot of words. My friends and family endure my longwindedness, but sometimes I have too many words for even the people I know. So I write. And the better-sounding stuff I post here.

2. Posting makes me edit, which helps me further process and organize my thoughts. Some things I have written in my digital journal or private blog of sorts make no sense when I go back and read them. They were thoughts I needed to get out at the time, but unedited, unorganized and without context I have no idea what I was on about. It helps me sharpen a skill I enjoy.

3. It takes me out of my comfort zone. I get nervous when someone tells me they are reading through my blog. It's one thing to stand for what I write and know that [a small number of] people read it. It's another thing to stand for what I wrote three years ago. My thoughts are out there, as my header quote says, "for my scrutiny and yours." My feelings are frozen in a moment. My writing, my personality and my experiences are benchmarked over time. It's vulnerable in the good way, and it is equally scary and exciting.

Which leads me to something else equally scary and exciting. I love playing music in my free time. But like writing in a private digital journal, playing music alone in my room is safe and unpolished. When I think about sharing the songs, I get nervous. I have to practice longer, and I can't skip over the tough parts. Playing for other people makes me better.

It's also a tribute to the music that's meaningful to me. You know those songs that keep you going and give words to your feelings and let you sing out your anger/fear/sadness/joy? I'm going to post some of these songs. And you'll see if you listen, it's obviously not about the quality of how I play or sing the song. It's about getting the words out, practicing a craft and being vulnerable in the good way. It's about freezing a moment in time and honoring the season of life during which I needed this song that spoke to my soul.

(Un)lost by [one of my top five favorite artists] The Maine

Wild

There's a Christian book that was popular among my friends and mentors in high school and college. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret to a Man's Soul "invites men to recover their masculine heart" (back cover). I read Wild at Heart in college, as many of my male friends were reading and discussing it.

I also read the companion book for women, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, which asserts that every girl, "longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be the beauty of the story" (back cover).

Though it's been a while since I read these books, I remember the message they presented that men are destined for a great adventure. In fact, according to the author, men have three main desires: a battle to fight, an adventure to live and a beauty to rescue.

That last part, the beauty to rescue, is where the woman comes in. Men, on their own, the books said, need time to fight their inner battle and discover their life's adventure before they find their beauty to rescue. Women, in the meantime, should cultivate their beauty so it's captivating enough to catch a man's attention that he might take her on his adventure.

The same evangelical Christian culture I was part of during some of the most influential years of my life regularly also described men as wild in regards to their sexuality.

So often in youth group I was taught that men have a ravenous, insatiable desire for sex and women. It's not their fault their brains are sex-crazed lust machines. They can't help their eyes, thoughts or sometimes even their actions. Sexual desire is the main, uncontrollable, internal struggle for every. single. man. This struggle can't be cured, but it can be tamed somewhat, so women should alter their behavior to protect their brothers in Christ from stumbling. Don't wear certain clothes, because you might make a man think about you a certain way. Don't be alone with a man because he may not be able to help himself to you physically. Don't let a boy make out with you too intensely because it will lead to sex. Set boundaries with men you're dating, and constantly and adamantly inforce them, because he will push those boundaries just as constantly.

I have so many problems with these narratives that discourage women from their own adventures, extract a woman from her own story to give her a supporting role in someone else's and make women responsible for the thoughts and behaviors of men. I think in many ways the church holds women back and thus robs their own communities and the world of the gifts women have to offer.

But this happens outside of the church as well. Next time you're at a department store, take a brief stroll through the baby and toddler sections. Baby boys have astronaut onesies and get to be superheroes. Girls are princesses. Target carries gray footie pajamas for boys with the Superman logo that say, "Future man of steel". The pink equivalent in the girls' section says, "I only date heroes". Boy clothing often inspires them to adventure, creativity and typically male-dominated fields and activities. Girl clothing focuses on their looks and positive emotions.

One blogger points out the fact that boy clothing is covered with trucks, trains and dinos while girl clothing is often covered with hearts and smileys. She writes, "This got me thinking about symbolism and gender in a brand new way. We know that our culture expects women and femmes to do the vast majority of emotional labor. What I realized on that day is that clothing intended for little girls is often covered with symbolism promoting that very labor…Little boys are being told, from a very young age, that feelings don’t matter, or at least shouldn’t matter to them. They’re learning that feelings are for girls alone. " Don't even get me started on boy clothing that says in big, bold letters, "BOYS WILL BE BOYS".

In a recent London Times article, Caitlin Moran offers the analogy that men are often seen as lions and women as their tamers. When I read that quote, all these things came rushing to mind. Moran had discovered the perfect analogy for how I've been taught, implicitly by society and explicitly by my church leaders, the relationship between men and women works.

I remembered the unfairness I felt for a decade of my life at summer youth group events. Girls were asked to wear shirts and shorts over their bathing suits for the guys' sake despite our discomfort. Yet the guys could wear whatever bathing suits they wanted. We were taught our bodies were the problem because the boys would be boys.

I remembered the undue shame and embarrassment I felt when a close, longtime male friend asked me for a ride home and a pastor standing nearby asked if his wife would be okay with that and suggested we have someone else in the car or have his wife on the phone the whole time.

I thought of another Caitlin Moran quote from her book "How to Be a Woman": "Should women wear burkas? The idea is that it protects your modesty and ensures that people regard you as a human being, rather than just a sexual object. But who are you being protected from? Men. And who - so long as you play by the rules and wear the correct clothes - is protecting you from the men? Men. And who is it that is regarding you as just a sexual object instead of another human bring in the first place? Men. I would definitely put this under the heading '100 percent stuff that the men need to sort out.'"

It made me think of all the times I was held back while the men got to follow their dreams, live their adventures and write their stories. I remembered the confusion I felt the time a male youth volunteer at church was told by the youth pastor he "preached a good sermon" while I was told I "taught a good lesson". See, I could do the exact same thing (and do it better, frankly), but I was technically not allowed to "preach". I remember the lead pastor of our church taking a group of my male friends, all around my age, on a camping trip to invest in them as young leaders.

As I was pondering the lion tamer relationship, remembering the books Wild at Heart and Captivating and thinking back on every time I was framed as less than, one phrase kept coming to mind: 

Let me loose. I am just as wild. 

I am not a princess in a tower. I am not a lady in waiting. I am not a lion tamer. 

I am not waiting for a man to take me on an adventure. My greatest hope is not to be rescued, not to mention that I’m not sure what I’m being rescued from anyway.

 

No.

I am a warrior, an adventurer, a lioness. I am a badass bitch you don't want to mess with when angry or on a mission. I am smart and talented and have many gifts to offer the world.

These narratives are just as harmful to men for different reasons but to the same end: Men are being kept from their full potential by the societal expectations placed on them. Men could be a greater force for good in the world if not cursed by culture telling them who to be and how to act. While women should be allowed to live in the full expressions of their true selves, men should be too. Why do we teach young boys to toughen up when it's more healthy and helpful to acknowledge and communicate our feelings? Why are men called pussies when they express their emotions or follow stereotypically female passions? Why can't male ballet dancers be just as badass as BMX bikers? Can women be strong, and can men be beautiful? Can women be tough and men be soft? Why are we letting external forces tell us who we are and who we should be? Men are not sex-crazed lust machines who can't control their brains or behavior. Each of us is responsible for his/her actions. Women are not any less sexual than men. Women are not the antidote to men's problems, and women are not destined for a supporting role in someone else's story.

We are lions, y'all. Wild and majestic, fierce and beautiful. We are each meant to lead with the (ungendered) strengths we've been given and support each other. Can you imagine how communities and humanity could grow and advance if both halves of the population were allowed to live to our full potential without all the bullshit we currently have to wade through?

Set us free. Let us loose. We are wild.