Progress?

I started the year with a list of eight goals/habits I wanted to work into my life by the end of the year. According to the timeline I set (work on one goal for six weeks at a time), I should have four to five habits down by now.  

I don't.  

I can't even say I've solidly incorporated one of these habits into my daily life.  

But I've made progress and learned a few things.  

1. Goals are hard.
   Building new habits is hard. Living intentionally is hard. And tiring. It's easy to do what feels nice in the moment. It's easy to float down the lazy river drifting further from the person you actually want to be. It's hard to stand up, turn around and fight the current of comfort. Sleeping in is easy, but working hard for what you really want long term is, well, hard.  

It sounds like I'm being negative or complaining, but I actually think it helps to anticipate the difficulty of the big picture things you want to accomplish in life. If you think working towards your goals will be as easy as setting them, you'll end up disappointed and discouraged. But if you know they'll be hard, you'll bite down ready to fight for the things you want.  

2. Life gets in the way.
   When I wrote out eight goals for the year, I was a single person without a lot going on. I didn't have much planned for the year.  

But I should have anticipated that life would happen. Emotions would happen. Things would come up. On my way to eat better and work out more, I'd find someone who wants to make me homemade pasta and take me out to eat. I'd get invited for drinks by friends I love spending time with. I'd plan vacations and get invited to weddings. I'd also get discouraged and hit lows in my journey where I'd pendulum back to old habits.   Had I anticipated life to getting in the way of my goals, I might have been more flexible and able to get back on track after navigating the obstacles.  

3. Grace is the most important thing.   There are all kinds of things I want for myself. I'm pretty ambitious, and I'm a perfectionist. So naturally I get real down on myself when I look at my list of goals and feel behind.  

I have to reframe, though, because I'm not behind at all.   First, I have to remember that I'm a human with time and energy constraints. I was apparently not meant to be perfect. My failure is inevitable. Knowing that, I can either sulk in shame when failure comes or I can anticipate it and use it. Failure makes better those who let it. I can get back up, learn something and commend myself for not letting failure keep me from trying or continuing.  

Second, I have to be kind to myself. I've been talking about this a lot lately because it has made all kinds of difference for me. I cheer myself on and celebrate even the smallest victories.   Third, I have to let myself off the hook every once in awhile. If I push too hard too fast, I'll burn out. I let myself take it easy sometimes. 

Here's an example of how I've worked this in and shown grace to myself in the last 24 hours. I am trying to get to the gym three to five times each week. On rough weeks, three times is more than enough. ("Good job, girl. You pushed through." Even if I don't make it three times, "No worries, try again next week.") When I feel like it, though, I push myself for five workouts. ("Get it, girl. Rockin' this.")   I got home later in the evening Monday night and didn't feel like the workout I promised myself I would do, so I took small steps. "Just put on workout clothes. If you don't feel like going to the gym, you don't have to." But within moments I was thinking, "Well, I'm ready now, I might as well go to the gym." Let baby steps be enough. After working out, I lost track of time and didn't get to bed in time to wake up early the next morning. Instead of forcing it and making myself miserable, I took a needed rest day. "No worries," I told myself. "Get it tomorrow." Wednesday morning it was tempting to skip the gym again, but I encouraged myself to go for it, even if just for a little bit. After work on Wednesday, I even felt like going back for another workout. "Don't push too hard," I warned myself, and did chores around the house instead. After this morning's workout, I weighed and measured myself to track my progress. It's only been about a week since I've been regularly at this, so it was helpful not to expect too much progress. However, my weight had gone up. Not the most encouraging. So in my tracking book I wrote myself a note, "Don't be discouraged. You're building habits and muscle. Keep at it."   I don't need to whip myself into shape, and I've seen how poorly it works to shame myself into better habits. Giving myself some leeway actually propels me forward and keeps me going. Those eight goals? I believe I'll get to them all eventually because they're important to me. But I won't make any progress if I just sit in shame and discouragement. I'll make progress by turning failure into fuel. I'll get there by helping myself along, not by talking myself down. I'll be more the person I want to be when I love myself well.  

4. I needed a better reason.
   I have heard Susan David, Ph.D., speak on multiple podcasts recently. Yesterday, I heard her on The Good Project, and she helped something click for me. She talked about your why. If the reason you're doing something is based on external pressure, you won't make it. You need internal motivation, a powerful reason just for you.
   She told the story of a man who had been trying forever to lose weight because he felt he should. He wanted to better fit society's expectation of how he should look, he wanted his friends and family to stop worrying about him and mentioning it, he wanted his doctor to report positive news at his checkups instead of grave warnings. Then one day his son made a comment that he knew his dad wouldn't be around when he's a teenager because of how unhealthy he was. That hit him hard, and suddenly his motivation became very internal. He wanted to have more energy for his son, be a better example, be healthy enough to be around for a long, long time. That's when his habits actually started to change.
   
   Once you find the right why, results are just a byproduct. You're fighting for a reason so important to you, the number on the scale doesn't mean as much.
   So I thought about why I want to work out, why I want to eat better, why I want to lose weight. The superficial reasons I've been working for haven't been motivating enough for me. I'll never get there if I'm doing it for a boy or society or for smaller pants. I decided at the center of it all is wanting to feel in control. Like most of us, many of my choices are compulsive. I want to feel in control of my choices rather than letting my emotions dictate my actions. I want to feel like I'm making important, intentional choices that are good for me rather than bending to comfort or laziness or whatever I feel like in the moment. It's my new mantra against laziness and cravings. "I am in control." I know the results will come, but that's not what's important to me anymore.  

5. I actually like it.
   I never believed that fit folks enjoyed eating healthy or working out. "It feels weird not to go to the gym now," "I actually really like vegetables," "I’m so sore, but like, in a good way," they would say.  

"Bull shit," I would say.  

But I already enjoy the soreness in my muscles from a good workout. Maybe it's just because I'm currently on an upswing, but I like making a good decision and feeling good about it. Saying no to dessert makes me feel empowered.  

I think I will feel weird now if I skip the gym for too many days in a row. I will feel bad, but not like I used to. I won't feel shame, I'll just know I have to get back to it because it's important to me.  

And even though it's hard at first, I like working for the things that are important to me.