School of Hard Knocks: Singleness

Five things I learned from being single

1. Being newly single is hard at first, but then it's fun.

I remember the exact moment being single went from feeling lonely to feeling actually pretty great. It was a Friday. I had a crazy day, and I was on my way to meet a friend I had plans with when she texted me she couldn’t make it. I sighed and made a U-turn, thinking I would just go home. Something stopped me though, and I thought, Katelyn, what do you want to do? I decided, and then I did it. I didn't have to call anyone to let them know the plan had changed again. I didn't have to make sure anyone else would also think that plan was fun. I didn't have to hold on to this secret idea of I wanted to do and say, "I don't care," when someone asked, for fear of my fun idea looking silly to someone else (see: Lesson #3).

I got to do exactly what I wanted to do in that moment. No one else got a vote, no one else even had to know. So I went, and I sat at the library, and I read a book. Because I wanted to.

Another Singleness is Fun moment I had recently was at a wedding, usually an emotional hell for singles. I sat with two of my favorite married couples and one of my favorite fellow singles. We listened as our married friends discussed when they should leave the wedding, when they wanted to go to bed, and the fact that one usually doesn't go to bed without the other. They weren't fighting or complaining, but it took effort to decide such things. I looked at my single buddy, smiled, and said, "I'm gonna go to bed tonight whenever I want. What about you?" We high fived.

Being married is awesome, I'm sure. Relationships are fun. They offer mutual support, friendship, and love. You have a person. It's great. But singleness is a season that there is a time for under the sun also, and it's also great. Smile, singles. Do something you want to do, and then go to bed whenever you want.

2. I actually am a fun and worthwhile person. Beautiful, even :)

Relationships make it tempting to see the other person as a mirror of your personal worth. You dress up for him or her, but it doesn't mean as much until they see you and tell you how great you look. You tell a joke, but is it really funny if that special person doesn't laugh? You let someone in close to see the real you; it makes sense that what that person thinks of you would hold a lot of weight in terms of how you think of yourself. But that's not a good place to get those self-worth feelings from.

Spending more time hanging out alone has made me come to appreciate myself. My brain thinks of funny things, and they're just as funny when I think of them as they would be if I share them with someone who'd laugh along. I plan fun things to do whether someone else will be there doing them with me or not. I've had experiences similar to the egg tasting scene in Runaway Bride; without anyone to conform my preferences to, I got to learn what I really like. Space to live like I want and make choices that don't effect anyone else solidified things I believe, things I need, and things I want. I'm assuming this information will be invaluable in future relationships.

I also had days where I had to be complete and content on Team Me and God. I had to enjoy existence regardless of who, if anyone, was next to me. And I really did! The days I am most proud of are the ones I wake up and look in the mirror. Hey, I say to myself, you're cute! And I mean it. I look in the mirror and see someone beautiful who I am proud to be, and no one had to tell me that was true for me to believe it.

3. Relationships, even the healthy ones, make people a little crazy.

Your brain chemistry changes when you're in love. I'm not talking metaphorically. The chemicals in your brain literally become different as you react to having a crush, falling in love, and loving someone. They make you feel, think, and act differently. Your brain acts in love like it does on drugs.

I know this because of books about science.

But I know other things from watching people I know be in relationships with each other. A girl asks a boy she is dating to do something for her that she could do herself. Why? I don't know. I've done it. Is it to test their love? Their willingness? Is it because we don't wanna and there's someone who also doesn't wanna but will? I have no idea. But it's funny to watch from the outside. I want to laugh and tell the girl that's really too bad her legs stopped working, when did that happen?

I also watch people I know in relationships with each other be a little bit meaner to each other than they would to their friends. Maybe it's because it's scary to let someone in so close so at times you have to be sarcastic or a little mean to maintain that last bit of distance between you. Maybe it's the opposite - you're so close you let all your filters down and sometimes say whatever thought pops into your selfish, imperfect, human brain. Maybe it's both or either, depending on the day. Sometimes a relationship is just a big pile of not enough and too much honesty, all at the same time.

Two flawed people putting their lives close together is going to be a mess, and people are going to get crazy. I have learned this and tried to prepare myself for when it happens to me again.

4. I can be myself, and someone can like that or not.

I had this idea in my head that I had to act cute on a date. I should think of coy things to say and learn how to effectively bat my eyelashes. In reality, I shouldn't have to act anything. The best dates are when I can just be.

My friend, Ashley, had some good advice recently. I was trying to text back a guy I recently met and was hardcore stressing over punctuation. I go way overboard worrying about grammar in text messages to boys I like. (Will they judge my haha's and lol's? Emojis or no emojis? Wow, I seem to be putting an exclamation point after every sentence… maybe I should take it down a notch. Etc., etc.) Ashley told me to, "Text him like you'd text me." You mean, I can act like this is a human to human interaction and not go insane about it?! (Again, see Lesson #3.) Relax, and be what is normal for you.

If someone doesn't like me when I'm not putting any effort into it, the relationship has no chance. It's wasted effort to act a certain way or tell little lies to seem more appealing on first dates. It's more fun anyway when I don't worry about how I'm supposed to act and I just hang out (or text) as myself.

More importantly, I don't have to take personally any negative feedback I receive for being myself. This is me, and I've already decided I like me. People can act like I'm not beautiful or valuable all they want. The God of the universe says I am, so…

Someone not texting me back or breaking up with me or passing me on Tinder (just kidding, ew) has no impact on the validity of me actually being beautiful and likeable and, dare I say, loveable. It's more important I believe that than anyone else. And, funny thing is, the more confident I am in myself, the more others will think I'm pretty great, too. 

5. I can have adventures all by myself.

I read a book once that implied a man is made for adventure, a woman should wait to have a relationship with a man until after he's lived great adventure, and a woman's greatest adventure will be hookin' her marriage train to a godly man. Well, I will never understand a man's great need for adventure. But I was not given life to live a bland one and wait around for someone to hook on to. I have had some great adventures this year. I've crossed so many things off my bucket list, much because I didn't have to bring anyone with me! Someday, I may have a wonderful husband to adventure alongside. I'm not going to wait for him to come along to get my living in!

If you are reading this and you are single, have fun while you belong to this club! Get to know yourself and don't rush into being with someone just so you're not alone anymore. I always say it's better to be alone than in a relationship and unhappy. As fun as it is to fall in love, adding another person to your mix does not simply make your life better. Figuring your stuff out and learning to love yourself well does. And it will help you when a relationship does come around. It is easy to say and can be hard to do: enjoy your singleness.

If you are reading this and you are in a relationship, the grass is green on your side of the fence, too! Our grasses on our respective sides are equally green! I don't post this to make you envy or wish for singleness. You are learning different things in your relationship than what I am learning through being single. You should blog about it so we can benefit from your wisdom.