You say you're an asshole, but I say no. (Must read to the tune of Cupid Shuffle..) Sure, you're a generally grumpy, opinionated, abrasive person, but through and through you are not an asshole.
The best thing about you is that the asshole is just on the surface. At your core, you're simply a decent person.
So many people do the opposite. They wear their nice on the outside, but they don't have a gooey, salted caramel center like you. Inside, hidden away, is their rotten, mushy asshole core. It seeps out, all while they work to keep the outside looking good.
I'm so thankful for all the ways you taught me to be a little more of an asshole on the outside.
You taught me to stand up for myself without budging, without worrying about what other people think or want, or how I'm "supposed" to be. I'm glad you broke through my surface layers, the shell I keep for appearances, to be liked, to please others, to fit.
I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you how thankful I also am for all the ways you taught me to be a little sweeter on the inside. That being right with myself and honest with others is really a kindness to everyone. That fake, outside niceness doesn't mean anything. And that effort for others shouldn't be spent on just anyone because "I should be nice" but that heartfelt effort should be saved up and gifted to those I care about. You also helped me understand how to be a more decent member of society, to know what true decency looks like and how to get deeply pissed off when people aren't being decent to each other. Lastly, while with you I learned how to be more decent to myself, to be honest about what I want and need and to go after it, to do me, to get mine and to take care of myself.
Keeping up my nice shell and living for others didn't make me right with myself or good or whole. It just helped me fit. Sometimes I fit into places I never should have been, and sometimes I forgot myself entirely. I don't want to fit for the sake of fitting anymore. You showed me how to be okay not fitting, and I realized how freeing it is to forget everyone else and be true to myself.
I saw your decency most the night you ended our relationship. You were so unbelievably kind. You were upfront and honest about your feelings right away, like I have known you to be since I met you. Though it would have been easy for a lesser person to put it off, you couldn't even wait until after dinner like you had originally planned. You were clear, to the point, decisive. It's kinder to kill something quickly than drag it out. Your prompt and courageous vulnerability was refreshing. You knew it would be hard and sad no matter how you went about it, so you chose the option hardest for you but kindest to me. You exemplified that brave, rip-the-band-aid-off honesty throughout our relationship. I hope to carry that with me and be a courageously honest person like you.
I've been chuckling to myself about how perfect of a metaphor that pineapple you brought me when you picked me up for our first date ended up being. I'm annoyed at how trendy and everywhere pineapples are right now, but there's a quote going around, "Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet on the inside." I would add, "Be pokey on the outside and a lil' bit tart." You helped me embrace my pineapple in all those ways and more, encouraged me to own all my pokey, eccentric-ness and walk a little taller.
I'm thankful that somehow you came along at just the right time for just the right amount of time. You made me stronger. You made me braver. You made me cooler. You made me funnier. You made me better. You made me more free. You made me more me. You were just what I needed for a time, and I hope in some ways you can say the same of me.
I will be thankful for you for a very long time, likely the rest of my life.
I'm thankful for other things, too. Like all the pop culture you forced upon me, the slang you introduced me to and often had to explain to me, all the times you made me laugh, all the delicious food you cooked for me and countless other good times we had. You taught me a lot, and you helped me realized a lot for myself.
Thank you for these seven months. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for the good food and conversation. Thank you for never once not being yourself. Thank you for seeing and appreciating me. Thank you for challenging me. Thank you for being a good guy, even if you don't fully believe it. Thanks for being decent.
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