I knew my situation
was not unique, but I didn't know many people personally who had been through a
broken engagement. As least not
personally enough to call up and essentially say, "I am going through this
hard thing that you have also been through.
Help."
I am so thankful
that what could have come across as a nuisance - a random phone call digging up
a past you were trying to forget - didn't seem bothersome at all. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders when
I heard the compassion in your voice.
Compassion: to
suffer alongside. You understood my
pain, my confusion, my regret.
You gave me the
advice you wish someone would have given you.
You told me what you would have told yourself if the you now could tell
the you then how to deal.
One thing you said
was a major help in processing through my emotional wounds. You told me to let myself feel what I
feel. Your mom had wanted you to be mad
and hateful, but some days you woke up devastated, without the energy to be mad
or the motivation to hate. You said you
should have let yourself be sad those days or happy on the days you felt like
life was okay enough to be happy about, but you stayed mad. For a long time. You told me to process it better, to just
feel what I feel.
It was so freeing to
talk to someone who knew what to say in light of many other people in my life
saying nice things with good intentions hoping to love and comfort me but
really not helping. It was even more
freeing to know that I didn't have to rein in my emotions or try to decide how
to feel but that it would help to just feel it all.
And it did
help. A lot. I could tell that my mom, too, wanted me to
be angrier than I was because of how angry she was on my behalf. I appreciated her anger and her motherly
desire for pain to come to anyone who hurts me (pain that would likely be
delivered by my equally angry father and brother). Some days I was angry and hurt and wanted
pain to happen to him, too. Other days I
felt bad being angry. I felt almost in
agreement with his choice not to get married.
And those feelings had their place; they needed to be just as
valid. The best days were the days I
woke up feeling strong and content. I
couldn't be angry or sad on those days because that would be a step
backwards. The emotions eventually
sorted themselves out as I let them come and go naturally and as God continued
to care for my hurting heart.
Thank you for this
wonderful advice, friend. Thank you for
being there for me in my time of need, for being willing to meet me in my hurt
and help me find my way out of it, and for being someone I could call for a lifeline. Thank you for answering my call.
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