Adrift in my own head

I write this blog for a few reasons.

1. I need to write. Nothing gets processed inside my brain. My words need to come out, and I have a lot of words. My friends and family endure my longwindedness, but sometimes I have too many words for even the people I know. So I write. And the better-sounding stuff I post here.

2. Posting makes me edit, which helps me further process and organize my thoughts. Some things I have written in my digital journal or private blog of sorts make no sense when I go back and read them. They were thoughts I needed to get out at the time, but unedited, unorganized and without context I have no idea what I was on about. It helps me sharpen a skill I enjoy.

3. It takes me out of my comfort zone. I get nervous when someone tells me they are reading through my blog. It's one thing to stand for what I write and know that [a small number of] people read it. It's another thing to stand for what I wrote three years ago. My thoughts are out there, as my header quote says, "for my scrutiny and yours." My feelings are frozen in a moment. My writing, my personality and my experiences are benchmarked over time. It's vulnerable in the good way, and it is equally scary and exciting.

Which leads me to something else equally scary and exciting. I love playing music in my free time. But like writing in a private digital journal, playing music alone in my room is safe and unpolished. When I think about sharing the songs, I get nervous. I have to practice longer, and I can't skip over the tough parts. Playing for other people makes me better.

It's also a tribute to the music that's meaningful to me. You know those songs that keep you going and give words to your feelings and let you sing out your anger/fear/sadness/joy? I'm going to post some of these songs. And you'll see if you listen, it's obviously not about the quality of how I play or sing the song. It's about getting the words out, practicing a craft and being vulnerable in the good way. It's about freezing a moment in time and honoring the season of life during which I needed this song that spoke to my soul.

(Un)lost by [one of my top five favorite artists] The Maine

Wild

There's a Christian book that was popular among my friends and mentors in high school and college. Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret to a Man's Soul "invites men to recover their masculine heart" (back cover). I read Wild at Heart in college, as many of my male friends were reading and discussing it.

I also read the companion book for women, Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul, which asserts that every girl, "longs to be swept up into a romance, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, to be the beauty of the story" (back cover).

Though it's been a while since I read these books, I remember the message they presented that men are destined for a great adventure. In fact, according to the author, men have three main desires: a battle to fight, an adventure to live and a beauty to rescue.

That last part, the beauty to rescue, is where the woman comes in. Men, on their own, the books said, need time to fight their inner battle and discover their life's adventure before they find their beauty to rescue. Women, in the meantime, should cultivate their beauty so it's captivating enough to catch a man's attention that he might take her on his adventure.

The same evangelical Christian culture I was part of during some of the most influential years of my life regularly also described men as wild in regards to their sexuality.

So often in youth group I was taught that men have a ravenous, insatiable desire for sex and women. It's not their fault their brains are sex-crazed lust machines. They can't help their eyes, thoughts or sometimes even their actions. Sexual desire is the main, uncontrollable, internal struggle for every. single. man. This struggle can't be cured, but it can be tamed somewhat, so women should alter their behavior to protect their brothers in Christ from stumbling. Don't wear certain clothes, because you might make a man think about you a certain way. Don't be alone with a man because he may not be able to help himself to you physically. Don't let a boy make out with you too intensely because it will lead to sex. Set boundaries with men you're dating, and constantly and adamantly inforce them, because he will push those boundaries just as constantly.

I have so many problems with these narratives that discourage women from their own adventures, extract a woman from her own story to give her a supporting role in someone else's and make women responsible for the thoughts and behaviors of men. I think in many ways the church holds women back and thus robs their own communities and the world of the gifts women have to offer.

But this happens outside of the church as well. Next time you're at a department store, take a brief stroll through the baby and toddler sections. Baby boys have astronaut onesies and get to be superheroes. Girls are princesses. Target carries gray footie pajamas for boys with the Superman logo that say, "Future man of steel". The pink equivalent in the girls' section says, "I only date heroes". Boy clothing often inspires them to adventure, creativity and typically male-dominated fields and activities. Girl clothing focuses on their looks and positive emotions.

One blogger points out the fact that boy clothing is covered with trucks, trains and dinos while girl clothing is often covered with hearts and smileys. She writes, "This got me thinking about symbolism and gender in a brand new way. We know that our culture expects women and femmes to do the vast majority of emotional labor. What I realized on that day is that clothing intended for little girls is often covered with symbolism promoting that very labor…Little boys are being told, from a very young age, that feelings don’t matter, or at least shouldn’t matter to them. They’re learning that feelings are for girls alone. " Don't even get me started on boy clothing that says in big, bold letters, "BOYS WILL BE BOYS".

In a recent London Times article, Caitlin Moran offers the analogy that men are often seen as lions and women as their tamers. When I read that quote, all these things came rushing to mind. Moran had discovered the perfect analogy for how I've been taught, implicitly by society and explicitly by my church leaders, the relationship between men and women works.

I remembered the unfairness I felt for a decade of my life at summer youth group events. Girls were asked to wear shirts and shorts over their bathing suits for the guys' sake despite our discomfort. Yet the guys could wear whatever bathing suits they wanted. We were taught our bodies were the problem because the boys would be boys.

I remembered the undue shame and embarrassment I felt when a close, longtime male friend asked me for a ride home and a pastor standing nearby asked if his wife would be okay with that and suggested we have someone else in the car or have his wife on the phone the whole time.

I thought of another Caitlin Moran quote from her book "How to Be a Woman": "Should women wear burkas? The idea is that it protects your modesty and ensures that people regard you as a human being, rather than just a sexual object. But who are you being protected from? Men. And who - so long as you play by the rules and wear the correct clothes - is protecting you from the men? Men. And who is it that is regarding you as just a sexual object instead of another human bring in the first place? Men. I would definitely put this under the heading '100 percent stuff that the men need to sort out.'"

It made me think of all the times I was held back while the men got to follow their dreams, live their adventures and write their stories. I remembered the confusion I felt the time a male youth volunteer at church was told by the youth pastor he "preached a good sermon" while I was told I "taught a good lesson". See, I could do the exact same thing (and do it better, frankly), but I was technically not allowed to "preach". I remember the lead pastor of our church taking a group of my male friends, all around my age, on a camping trip to invest in them as young leaders.

As I was pondering the lion tamer relationship, remembering the books Wild at Heart and Captivating and thinking back on every time I was framed as less than, one phrase kept coming to mind: 

Let me loose. I am just as wild. 

I am not a princess in a tower. I am not a lady in waiting. I am not a lion tamer. 

I am not waiting for a man to take me on an adventure. My greatest hope is not to be rescued, not to mention that I’m not sure what I’m being rescued from anyway.

 

No.

I am a warrior, an adventurer, a lioness. I am a badass bitch you don't want to mess with when angry or on a mission. I am smart and talented and have many gifts to offer the world.

These narratives are just as harmful to men for different reasons but to the same end: Men are being kept from their full potential by the societal expectations placed on them. Men could be a greater force for good in the world if not cursed by culture telling them who to be and how to act. While women should be allowed to live in the full expressions of their true selves, men should be too. Why do we teach young boys to toughen up when it's more healthy and helpful to acknowledge and communicate our feelings? Why are men called pussies when they express their emotions or follow stereotypically female passions? Why can't male ballet dancers be just as badass as BMX bikers? Can women be strong, and can men be beautiful? Can women be tough and men be soft? Why are we letting external forces tell us who we are and who we should be? Men are not sex-crazed lust machines who can't control their brains or behavior. Each of us is responsible for his/her actions. Women are not any less sexual than men. Women are not the antidote to men's problems, and women are not destined for a supporting role in someone else's story.

We are lions, y'all. Wild and majestic, fierce and beautiful. We are each meant to lead with the (ungendered) strengths we've been given and support each other. Can you imagine how communities and humanity could grow and advance if both halves of the population were allowed to live to our full potential without all the bullshit we currently have to wade through?

Set us free. Let us loose. We are wild. 

Brain dump, go.

I recently read an article about being more productive. One suggestion was to write To-Don't lists instead of To-Do lists. The idea was to identify tempting time-sucks that keep you from what really needs to be done.

TV is so obviously my primary productivity roadblock, as it was for the woman who wrote this To-Don't article. (I wish I could reference it, but it's long gone by now. Skimming articles and social media posts is my secondary productivity blocker.)

She recommended something that worked for her: don't turn the TV on until you've been home at least 90 minutes. TV was a default activity she detoured by delaying it.

Today I walked into my house, and my strong TV-watching muscle memory listed for me all the new episodes I have on dock. (The Deuce and a whole new season of Mindreader, in case you're interested.)

No, the usually less assertive part of my brain said adamantly. (I got Starbucks this morning, which never fails to hyperdrive my focus, creativity, positivity, responsibility… generally every desirable trait I could hope to have is more possible with caffeine… sociability, optimism, productivity, I could go on. I'm a much better human after delicious Starbucks sugar drank.)

No, my prefrontal cortex said again as I literally stood frozen in my living room on my way to grab the remote and sink into the couch in one glorious motion. Let's do better shit for 90 minutes; there will be plenty of time for TV after. (You'll notice my prefrontal cortex uses semi-colons. Obviously.)

With the help of aforementioned happy human drug, the rest of my brain and body said, THAT'S AN AWESOME IDEA, and to work I went.

I made great headway on my To-Do list and, as Article Lady probably also experienced, after 90 minutes I realized I was fine without the TV and kept working on the shit I needsta get DONE.

That is, until a few minutes ago when I got distracted looking for an old file on my external hard-drive and instead stumbled upon every picture I've ever taken in the last ten years.

Brain dump part two, go.

I was especially distracted by pictures of me when I was apparently SUPER DUPER HELLA skinny, though I would never have said so at the time. I opened all these fine ass pictures of me wishing my body still looked like that, zooming in in straight up awe that I had a thigh gap before a thigh gap was ultimate societal beauty goals, kicking myself hard for not appreciating that body when I had it, contemplating how small, unnoticeable, gradual changes over time can really make a big difference and sighing for the fact that I may always look back and wish I was more grateful for what I had when I had it.

I also had an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia for times gone by and friends I've loved. Nostalgia is one of the especially weird feelings because it's happy and sad at the same time. There's such a sense of joy dancing with such a sense of grief. You're grateful for what was while you're grasping at something you can never hold again. I will undoubtedly feel that later for this time in my life, too.

I wish we could travel to memories. I would love to spend a day in that downstairs room off the kitchen I lived in when I first moved away from home. It was never meant to be a bedroom, and it only cost me $150 a month to rent. I lived with amazing women, some of the best friends I've had. We laughed and sang and danced and cried and studied and procrastinated and lived together, for good and bad. We hated each other at times while we were all under the same roof, but looking back I loved it. I could also spend a week back in the summer after college when I moved back in with my parents. I wouldn't mind sitting in on some of my old high school and college classes. I would visit special holidays, loving meals and late night parties for a pick-me-up on sadder days. I would take travel buddies with me for quick trips to laugh at old outfits and embarrassing moments and poor choices of boyfriends. Like I have favorite places, I would frequent my favorite years and moments. I could take in the feelings and environments again and again, making up for times I didn't fully soak in the goodness or life or fullness of a given experience.

Connecting thought, go.

It's so easy to fill the minutes and days and weeks with meaningless shit and ungratefulness and drudgery. Things you don't appreciate now you will likely miss later. Make choices with intention and meaning. Fight for your moments. Be fully here because you can never go back.

Can you tell I'm over-caffienated? Kthxbai.

be amazed

Food:
So I’m trying to see how long I can go without grocery shopping. Current streak: 20 days*. And my last trip only cost me $21. See, I tend to purchase too much food for the week and have to throw away a bunch of spoiled food. My fridge and pantry right now look emptier than they’ve ever looked, but I still have food there I can eat. I’m trying to be creative about what I make and eat what I have so I don’t waste food.

TL;DR My food rec this week is to find a way to waste less food.

*I had to grab a block of Parmesan from the store yesterday.

TV/Movies:
The Deuce. The Deuce. The Deuce. Are you watching The Deuce? Watch The Deuce.

The AV Club calls The Deuce the rightful heir of The Wire, and I agree. The only complaint I have about either show is the 3-minute song and credit roll at the beginning, which HBO doesn’t skip for me even when I’m binging. Check the rating if you think you might be offended by the show’s content: the sex industry in 1970s New York. Maggie Gyllenhaal + (James Franco x 2) + familiar faces from The Wire in very different roles + sex, drugs, nudity, gender dynamics, corrupt cops and “flawed, fascinating people” (AV Club) = ARE YOU WATCHING THE DEUCE YET?!

Oh, bonus rec, I checked out Sarah Silverman’s new show on Hulu, I Love America. There’s only been one episode so far, but I found it delightful and had a smile on for most of it. Excited for some more. Double bonus: I love Broad City, but this season has so far been underwhelming. That is, until the most recent episode in which Abby and Ilana eat some mushrooms and take the audience on a trip. If I were ever tempted to do ‘shrooms, I feel like I don’t need to now. The mostly animated episode takes you on a beautiful drug-induced journey, all the way through to a bad trip. I practically got the whole experience without having to escape my mind or reality. Loved it.

Music:
Still reading the book I recommended last week, The Rap Yearbook. Go check out some Eric B. and Rakim on Spotify, also the This Is: Young Thug playlist and the This Is: Kendrick Lamar playlist. Good. Shit. The Rap Yearbook basically calls Rakim the most important rapper of all time, saying he is to rap what Michael Jordan is to basketball for many reasons. Changed. the game.

Books:
I can’t read fast enough to recommend a new book every week. But my fav pod folks from Crooked Media have launched a new website with a host of new content contributors and now with written content in addition to their expanding array of podcasts. Check them out, I heart them.

Misc:
Every time I go to the library or borrow a book online, I’m reminded how wonderful a thing the library is. Sure, it takes a little more patience and effort to borrow a book when owning it is just $12.99 and one click away, but many books (or audio books or CDs or movies...) you don’t really need to own or pay for. This week I borrowed like 12 books for reference on a project I’m working on. So much knowledge, so zero moneys. I love me some free.

Amazeballs

Food
I am not ashamed to tell you that I bought a Costco sheet cake for my roommate's birthday. I bought 48 servings of cake for my her and me to share. The two of us are three-fourths of the way through the largest custom sheet cake $19 can buy. You only turn 26 once. My food recommendation this week is to indulge.

I have been trying to make better food choices. (I am always *trying* to make better food choices.) On Friday, I ordered a burger at the new Culinary Dropout (bonus rec, try this neat new Tucson hang) and got asparagus on the side instead of fries. It was delish. My point is, I am trying to eat better in general and stay active. All so I can share 48 servings of birthday cake with my live-in friend.

Be healthy. Make good choices. Get moving.

And then when the opportunity presents itself to eat cake, indulge like a mofo.

Also, if the mood strikes, buy yourself a Costco sheet cake. That shit good.

Music
New album from The Maine, Lovely Little Lonely.
And while you're at it, anything by The Maine, namely their second most recent album, American Candy.

Books
On loan from one of the coolest humans I know, I'm currently reading The Rap Yearbook by Shea Serrano. Picks the most important rap song from each year since 1979 and digests it. Serrano fills his writing with prefaces and interjections. I was annoyed with it until I realized that's how I write and talk. Now I appreciate it, though I am considering trying to develop a new writing style. His analysis is very detailed, which I also appreciate. Maybe by the time I'm done I'll be able to hear a rap song and finally be able to decipher what the lyrics mean.

TV/Movies
Also per rec of aforementioned cool person and many other recent mentions, I watched through The Good Place. So forking worth it. Adorable and smart. I loved it. I can't tell where they're headed yet with the second season, but I have hope on account of how straight delightful the first season was.

Misc
Um, how did I forget how fun racquetball is?! Played tonight for the first time in over a year. The rules are simple, it's easy enough for beginners and an hour and a half of playing is a darn good way to balance out a slice of birthday cake.

More Amazing Stuff

Music

So I just found today that some artists make public playlists on Spotify. Relient K's podcast, "RK SUMMER" is. the shit. The best part, besides the killer music, is when a song I love comes on and I find some common ground with a band I love. It's like we're jamming together. 

TV

Last week I admitted how behind I was on discovering the joy of American Ninja Warrior. Finale was INTENSE! This week I'm taking you even further back to recommend The Wire. As Pete Holmes says, "There's no good way to tell someone you haven't seen The Wire." I told someone on Sunday I started it, expecting them to celebrate with or congratulate me. Instead I got an incredulous, "Just now?" Well he can take his judgment elsewhere because I say better late than never. I'm now on season two and am completely enthralled. I couldn't turn it off last night. If you aren't convinced to watch it yet, may I add these six words: Idris Elba and Michael B. Jordan. 

Books

I just bought Jacqueline Novak's How to Weep in Public: Feeble Offerings on Depression from One Who Knows because Mike Birbiglia recommended it on Twitter and because it's on sale for two bucks. I can't tell you if it's good or not yet, but if I waited until finding that out it wouldn't be on sale anymore. (Sale runs through Oct 1.) Girl seems funny on Twitter and the title seems interesting so I'm looking forward to reading just after I finish learning how not to give a fuck. 

Food

Less of a food recommendation and more of an interesting food fact I recently heard on WTF with Marc Maron with Kathy Bates. You involuntarily sigh when you're full. Because of how much I love foods that are engineered to never stop being eaten and how often I eat to address emotions other than hunger, I have a hard time portioning myself to just eat what my body needs for sustenance. I eat past full very often. In the days since I learned this neat little fact, I have stopped eating after my sigh and have been sufficiently full until the next meal time. These meat suits are smart, y'all! 

Misc.

Brace for a twofer! Got some recent winning recommendations for skin stuff from my dermatologist. Cerave moisture cream keeps my skin comfortably hydrated for large chunks of the day and even mysteriously helps me avoid applying lotion after every single time I wash my hands. I've also been using Differin for these dark spots that started appearing under my eyes in the last couple years. (Apparently caused by hormones, who knew.) Differin is most commonly used for acne treatment and just recently became available over the counter, and for not a bad price either. As an additional bonus, it's supposed to help with wrinkles too. Triple threat! My dark spots have already lightened significantly, and I notice pimples sticking around for 1-3 days rather than 3-5. Package says it's a 30 day supply, but I have had my tube for a month and a half and am not close to finishing it. 

What neat stuff are you getting into? 

The Amazing Five

There are so many things to be overwhelmed by right now, good and bad. How in the world can we find time to take in all the good, especially while we're being fire-hosed with so much bad every day? Like, the news right now is a constant fire truck grade diarrhea hose on full blast. It's disgusting, it's painful and we wonder why no one seems to be able or willing to turn it off. Meanwhile, many have called this the golden age of television, there are thousands of podcasts being produced weekly and I can put Spotify radio on and not hear a repeated or familiar song for days on end. And who hasn't written a blog and/or book, amirite?  

Technology has made it faster, easier and cheaper to produce and consume all kinds of content, propelling our news and entertainment cycles into hyper-speed and all but killing our attention spans. I wonder daily how the hell I'm supposed to keep up. Mainly, I have to give up on my quest to be in the know about every single thing. I remind myself I can't possibly watch all the good TV, be informed on all the news and pop culture or know all there is to know about all the things ever... as much as I continue to hope and strive for that. I have to weed out what I don't care about and focus in on the best of the best. Thankfully, my friends are quality seekers who help me find the shiniest gold in this golden age of content. And whether they ask for it or not I am constantly raining recommendations on them, mostly as a way to project my FOMO onto my loved ones.  

The Amazing Five is a segment I lovingly lifted (read: outright stole) from an amazing podcast called How to be Amazing with Michael Ian Black. With each of his amazing guests he asks for a single recommendation for something amazing in each of five categories: books, TV/movies, music, food and miscellaneous. It is fun to follow the suggestions of some of my favorite famous people and to learn that celebrities are excited about some of the same things I am excited about. I also like looking into a recommendation and being like, "Thanks but no thanks, Ira Glass. Not for me." It's like we're all just humans trying to avoid the shit hoses of life and find meaning, joy and amazing things.  

Some of my favorite Amazing recommendations include Penn Jillette's recipe for chocolate cayenne blueberries, Judd Apatow, AD Miles and Al Franken recommending marriage, children and grandchildren like they're things I can one-day order on Amazon and Megan Mullaly reminding me about the Decemberists. Dan Savage also shared an all-to-relatable moment when he compared the current TV scene as "this college course that you can't keep up with the reading." Preach.  

So welcome to my new weekly segment (read: semi-consistent thing I do whenever I get around to it for however long I feel like it): Things I Like That I Want You to Like Because I Think They're Neat and Then We Can Talk About how Neat They Are Together. Admittedly, "The Amazing Five" has a much nicer ring..  

Let's begin!  

Food 

I have made this super easy and mucho delicious recipe multiple times now for company. It's customizable enough that I feel like an *actual* chef who can go off recipe, mix things up and wing a successful dish.  

Pesto chicken veggie bake 

Ingredients:  

Whatever veggies you think sound good with chicken and pesto... I use a zucchini (sliced into rounds) and some asparagus "snapped" into 1.5 - 2" segments 

Grape tomatoes (2 cups-ish) 

Pesto (3 Tablespoons) 

Boneless, skinless chicken breasts (1.5 lbs, I have used the thin sliced breasts in the past to cut cooking time in half) 

Note: Like I said, pretty much all the ingredients and amounts are customizable. You can Google roasting times for different veggies or just play it by ear.  

Instructions:  

1. Brine your chicken. I never cook chicken now without brining. Makes for cut-with-the-side-of-your-fork chicken every time. Fill a large bowl with warm, not hot, water. Dissolve some salt in there, a couple Tablespoons or so. I never use a measurement, makes me feel more "chef-y". Put the chicken breasts into the water and let them sit for 15 minutes. Take out, rinse with cold water and pat dry.  
2. While the chicken is brining, wash and cut your veggies. The zucchini works well in cm rounds or rounds and then halved or quartered. Snap or cut your asparagus into 1.5 - 2" segments.  
3. Put your washed, cut veggies and tomatoes into a large bowl and coat with 2 Tablespoons of pesto.  
4. Cut the chicken into 1" cubes. Add into your veggie bowl with the additional Tablespoon of pesto and stir it all up until well coated.  
5. Spread out flat onto one or two baking sheets. Make sure there is room between each chicken and veggie piece or you will end up steaming instead of roasting.  
6. Cook for 10 minutes and check to see if veggies are tender and chicken is at 160-165 degrees Fahrenheit. When I use thin chicken, 10 minutes of cooking is usually sufficient. If not, throw your pans back in for another 8-10 minutes.  
7. Serve warm as is, or over pasta if you like. You may want to add some olive oil or extra pesto to the pasta. Sprinkle some parm over, etc., get creative :) 

Bonus: Use your leftover pesto to make some of the best grilled cheese you will ever eat! Spread pesto on some french bread, put a slice of mozzarella on each slice over the pesto and put some sliced tomatoes in between. Oil your pan with olive oil and cook until golden brown and cheese is melted. Delish! 

Music 

Though I have long left Christian music fandom, I love John Mark McMillan's new album Mercury & Lightning. His deep voice makes you long for a heart ears emoji, and his deep lyrics are full of the right kind of struggle and the big, unanswerable questions. These days, I think faith is less about being certain about anything and more about finding peace with the things we can't know or understand. I find this in JMM's music.  

Bonus rec: after getting through Mercury & Lightning, I listened to Lil Uzi Vert's new Luv is Rage 2. Made for a fun Friday music mix last week.  

TV 

Don't judge my TV taste on this one (late) recommendation, but have you ever watched American Ninja Warrior? I got sucked in the other day while it was on during a visit to my aunt's house. Of course I've known about the show for a while but have never had an interest to watch. After a few minutes, though, I was fully invested. It's insane to watch these hyper-athletic people accomplish crazy amazing physical feats. If you are later than me to the ANW party, give it a whirl.  

Books  

How to be Here by Rob Bell, and also anything created by Rob Bell ever. His books and talks are full of peace, wisdom and inspiration. I feel lighter and more ready to live the kind of life I want to live after I consume anything he's created.  

Miscellaneous 

Truly wireless headphones. I think these are my current favorite possession. I can discretely and conveniently listen to anything all the time. While headphones are not discouraged at my work, they do give off a sense of unprofessionalism and closed-off-ness. (Often, closed-off-ness is a desired effect of headphones, but unfortunately I need to seem a little more open to interactions at work.) I wear one secret earbud all day. No one even notices when I touch my ear to pause or unpause. Love! There are better models, but the X2T headphones I bought are sufficient for the price, come with a super convenient charging and carrying case and are comfortable and easy to use. I have had a hard time using both buds in tandem, but I never really find the need to do so. Another critique of this specific product is that the volume of the beeps and voice that says, "POWER ON," "POWER OFF," etc., is uncontrollable and slightly too loud. When she yells, "BATTERY LOW," it startles me every time. Truly wireless can be expensive, so for the great deal I found these at I accept putting up with the shortcomings. 

What are you reading right now that the rest of us should read? What great show should we definitely ditch our life and binge for the weekend? (Shout-out to Robin for recommending I watch Grace and Frankie on Netflix. Weekend well spent. Next weekend I'll have to choose which David Simon show to start...) What goods should we make sure not to miss out on? Share the gold in the comments below!  

Meatloaf

You thought you hated meatloaf, but you just had never had good meatloaf.

Then it hit you, Wait, I like all the stuff in meatloaf. Why would I not like meatloaf?  

I like what meatloaf is supposed to be.  

You decided that meatloaf itself not bad; poorly-made meatloaf is bad and well-made meatloaf is delicious.

After some research, you learned that meatloaf is not really a set dish but a way to simply and deliciously combine leftover ingredients that need to be used and turn them into something new together.

Once you broke it back down to the ingredients,
tried different recipes,
realized what it really was
and got a taste of what it could be,

you were amazed to find
you loved meatloaf.

My God is like your meatloaf.

Different people in my life and for thousands of years throughout history have cooked up God wrong. Mostly good-intentioned people made God bland or mushy or overcooked or cheap, added incorrect ingredients or just totally misunderstood the whole thing. Worse, bad people used meatloaf for bad reasons and gave people a bad taste in their mouth for even the best meatloaf.

I got sick of the kind of God I was always being fed. But then I broke God back down to the ingredients.

life and love and wholeness
peace and joy and goodness
freedom and empowerment
acceptance and belonging

centeredness
groundedness
a deeper focus
on the few things that really matter

and true connection
to self,
to this moment,
with others
and somehow with reality itself

I even learned new meanings for these words. The ingredients tasted so different when fresh. They weren't loaded anymore with the chemicals, additives and processes others had put on them. They were a new thing entirely, being used in a whole new way.

I tried different versions of God, read about different religions and mindsets and arguments
and eventually decided God didn't fit in a set religion, and that I didn't need a recipe.

God wasn't a set thing, concretely defined
but a way, a source, a force

Much less objective than I had been told,
much less certain
and so much more delicious.

Saturday Shout Out: Thanks for being decent

You say you're an asshole, but I say no. (Must read to the tune of Cupid Shuffle..) Sure, you're a generally grumpy, opinionated, abrasive person, but through and through you are not an asshole.

The best thing about you is that the asshole is just on the surface. At your core, you're simply a decent person.

So many people do the opposite. They wear their nice on the outside, but they don't have a gooey, salted caramel center like you. Inside, hidden away, is their rotten, mushy asshole core. It seeps out, all while they work to keep the outside looking good.

I'm so thankful for all the ways you taught me to be a little more of an asshole on the outside.

You taught me to stand up for myself without budging, without worrying about what other people think or want, or how I'm "supposed" to be. I'm glad you broke through my surface layers, the shell I keep for appearances, to be liked, to please others, to fit.

I'm not sure you'd believe me if I told you how thankful I also am for all the ways you taught me to be a little sweeter on the inside. That being right with myself and honest with others is really a kindness to everyone. That fake, outside niceness doesn't mean anything. And that effort for others shouldn't be spent on just anyone because "I should be nice" but that heartfelt effort should be saved up and gifted to those I care about. You also helped me understand how to be a more decent member of society, to know what true decency looks like and how to get deeply pissed off when people aren't being decent to each other. Lastly, while with you I learned how to be more decent to myself, to be honest about what I want and need and to go after it, to do me, to get mine and to take care of myself.

Keeping up my nice shell and living for others didn't make me right with myself or good or whole. It just helped me fit. Sometimes I fit into places I never should have been, and sometimes I forgot myself entirely. I don't want to fit for the sake of fitting anymore. You showed me how to be okay not fitting, and I realized how freeing it is to forget everyone else and be true to myself.

I saw your decency most the night you ended our relationship. You were so unbelievably kind. You were upfront and honest about your feelings right away, like I have known you to be since I met you. Though it would have been easy for a lesser person to put it off, you couldn't even wait until after dinner like you had originally planned. You were clear, to the point, decisive. It's kinder to kill something quickly than drag it out. Your prompt and courageous vulnerability was refreshing. You knew it would be hard and sad no matter how you went about it, so you chose the option hardest for you but kindest to me. You exemplified that brave, rip-the-band-aid-off honesty throughout our relationship. I hope to carry that with me and be a courageously honest person like you.

I've been chuckling to myself about how perfect of a metaphor that pineapple you brought me when you picked me up for our first date ended up being. I'm annoyed at how trendy and everywhere pineapples are right now, but there's a quote going around, "Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown and be sweet on the inside." I would add, "Be pokey on the outside and a lil' bit tart." You helped me embrace my pineapple in all those ways and more, encouraged me to own all my pokey, eccentric-ness and walk a little taller.

I'm thankful that somehow you came along at just the right time for just the right amount of time. You made me stronger. You made me braver. You made me cooler. You made me funnier. You made me better. You made me more free. You made me more me. You were just what I needed for a time, and I hope in some ways you can say the same of me.

I will be thankful for you for a very long time, likely the rest of my life.

I'm thankful for other things, too. Like all the pop culture you forced upon me, the slang you introduced me to and often had to explain to me, all the times you made me laugh, all the delicious food you cooked for me and countless other good times we had. You taught me a lot, and you helped me realized a lot for myself.

Thank you for these seven months. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for the good food and conversation. Thank you for never once not being yourself. Thank you for seeing and appreciating me. Thank you for challenging me. Thank you for being a good guy, even if you don't fully believe it. Thanks for being decent.

Saturday Shout Out: Thanks for having been

"Please remember that often gentle goodbyes are acts of great courage and kindness. Holding an unhealthy relationship close is not love. Listen - is it kinder to hold someone close and hate her or let her go so you can love her?" -Glennon Doyle Melton

Some things are very hard to understand, much less accept. Some things you never want to have happen to you. I remember being warned often that my friendships would fade.

Young friendships are fun and free and easy, less to do with shared interests and values as with proximity and convenience. But even when based on shared interests and values, older, wiser folks knew that those interests and values change over time.

One such older, wiser person patiently spent hours of her time each week telling us all the things she knew we wouldn't listen to until later. She warned us we were not the people we would end up being yet but that our personalities would develop more between the ages of 18-24 than ever before or again in our lives. We didn't believe her until it happened to us.

I do find myself now in a much different place. Not just older or in different life circumstances, but a vastly different person. I have changed my mind on many things. So have many of my friends.

So it's no wonder that we have drifted apart. But it's still very, very sad. You never think your friends will not be your friends. I deeply love each friend who laughed and cried with me and everything in between, from my elementary school best friend to my middle school posse to my high school squad to my college crew. I treasure those relationships, memories and people more than I can say. I have tried to maintain contact (personal, not just digital) with many of them, but it's harder now. We're all over the place, geographically and otherwise. We have jobs and families and non-concentric social circles. And when we find time to catch up, sometimes it still doesn't work. It's not the same. We're not the same. And it will never be the same again.

I would say this is the hardest growing up lesson I'd had to learn so far.

I am still trying to swallow the realities of it. Everything in life, like the seasons, comes and goes and comes again. Seasons of life are less predictable but just as inevitable. The flowers of spring wither in fall and disappear in winter, then different flowers bloom. So it has been with relationships.

Though it still makes me sad, I am forced to learn how to enjoy the flowers while they bloom, accept their departure and anticipate new growth. It seems harder even to act as gardener and prune when needed. I am not good at walking away. Though I can't decide which hurts more: to prune or be pruned.

I do understand, at least conceptually if not emotionally, that letting go is sometimes necessary. While I wish some had chosen to stay, I can fathom that at the time it may have been necessary for them to walk away from me. I may never fully understand or agree with their reasoning or ultimately their decision. But I can assume the best of them and trust that they were making the choice that seemed most right in that moment.

For those that simply don't have time to connect anymore, I hope they know what their friendship has meant to me. I hope they replay some of our greatest hits memories sometimes and smile. I trust that we were what we needed for each other at the time and wish each other well from a distance (and/or with virtual 'likes'). Thinking of it now, perhaps I should reach out again for old times' sake.

Here's to old times, friends.

Thanks for the laughter and the thoughtful conversation. Thank you for the precious memories. Thanks for laying out in the sunshine of life and huddling together through the storms. Thanks for all you have been to me and for me. Thanks for the good times. Thanks for letting me in.

To those I have had to create distance between, thank you for your grace, space and understanding. Thank you for sending your good vibes and wishing me well from a distance. Thank you for trying to learn the hard, sad lesson of seasons with me.

And to those courageous ones who had to make a difficult choice to let me go, to walk away, I thank you especially. Though you are the hardest to thank, it's you I have the most to thank for. From my relationships with you, I have learned and grown the most. I respect the decision you had to make. Thank you for choosing to love me by leaving me rather than holding me close with bitterness, hurt and hatred.  

To all my friends gone by, I hope our relationship can bloom again someday, in some new way. I have only good thoughts and well wishes for you. Thank you, dear friends, for having been.